So, here I am, almost 40 weeks... Three weeks ago when I scheduled an induction date, I really really didn't think I would need it since I was already dialating and having contractions. The contractions have continued and gotten stronger, not really painful, but definitely uncomfortable and enough to keep me up on many, many nights, but they have mostly been random and when they are consistant, they haven't gotten closer than ten minutes apart and then they suddenly stop. (I feel like I have already been through the beginings of labor for over a week!) I really really wanted him to come on his own! We have tried just about everything we could, but it seems like my body needs a little extra push to get this baby born so we are being induced tomorrow!
It is bitter-sweet for me with how many miscarriages I have had and how hard we have fought to stay pregnant to know tomorrow the ending goal will be reached and my baby will be here, no longer safe in my tummy. But I am so excited to finally meet this little guy! I have been extra cautious of each movement today, enjoying his wiggling limbs and hiccups.
I have so much I want to update on from Scott's new job at Gold Medallion Homes to how our little Cohen is doing, but we still don't have internet so I will get to it with all the "free time" I will have soon!
HERE COMES BABY FINALLY! YEAH!
Showing posts with label Thoughts and Feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughts and Feelings. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end...
So, we are in the process of packing and heading home!
For a few days Scott and I deliberated and prayed and the conclusion we have come to is, it is time for our family to move on back to Utah. We are so thankful we came to Massachusetts and had this amazing experience with all of these awesome people!!! We learned so much and got way more than we thought we would out of this experience. We now have a closer relationship as a couple and family, we have spent a lot of time on our knees trying to figure out what is right for our family and this has strengthened our testimonies and our relationship with our Heavenly Father. We are so grateful for this...
For a few days Scott and I deliberated and prayed and the conclusion we have come to is, it is time for our family to move on back to Utah. We are so thankful we came to Massachusetts and had this amazing experience with all of these awesome people!!! We learned so much and got way more than we thought we would out of this experience. We now have a closer relationship as a couple and family, we have spent a lot of time on our knees trying to figure out what is right for our family and this has strengthened our testimonies and our relationship with our Heavenly Father. We are so grateful for this...
Things were great while we were here, but it is now our time to leave, so we say goodbye to beautiful Boston and look forward to the new adventures that await!
Friday, May 8, 2009
Home sick?
Scott and I have both admitted to one another we already miss Utah and everything we love about it. I am surprised that he seems even a little worse than I do, since he was so eager to have new surroundings and has talked about moving back to California for years. I think it's because he has seen the worst in these Bostonians with days and days of rude comments and people slamming the door in his face. He still has a positive attitude about this whole experience even after almost two hard first weeks. He has been doing pretty good and has set goals for himself that I am sure he will reach and exceed! We are thankful we decided to come and do this and we have high hopes for the results of it all!
We went to our new ward last Sunday and there are 16 little kids in nursery and just 3 adults! Cohen seemed to do just fine when I left, but I may be staying in there if I don't get called first, just to help out. The ward seems like a great group of people with a lot of dentists and doctors, more laid back than the wards I have been in in Utah or visited in California. Our church building is nestled in a ton of foresty trees, it looks beautiful! I will have to get a picture this Sunday.
We have a date for our ultrasound finally! This Tuesday morning! I am feeling nervous and excited! I am not sure why I am nervous... not because I want one gender more than the other, but I think because it will seem real finally to be able to put a face to this baby. I have been feeling the baby move for a few weeks now, but I am still in awe that we are doing this all again! That there is an actual human being growing inside me, another person that isn't Cohen! That this is all real and we are half way done (maybe more if it shows up early like Cohen) and holy crap! I am going to be a mother of two! What will I do with myself? Scott and I lay in bed at night and can't wrap out heads around having another newborn. We laugh to ourselves knowing a small part of the chaos we are in for. Cohen also has a rude awakening coming his way... :)
I love the group of girls that are out here with us! We have so much fun together running places, going to the park or doing dinner together. I feel thankful for their support because this could be very lonely without them. Cohen has Dylan to play with everyday and a new playmate named Jack (15 months) that he just loves! They both live in our building (this is a BIG complex with lots of other couples in other areas). Jack laughs and laughs at Cohen and thinks everything he does is funny! Jack tries to keep up with Cohen and Dylan and watches what the big boys do and catches on quick! Cohen had a bath at Jack's last night after we had a lasgna dinner with all the girls and Jack splashed and splashed and Cohen didn't know what to think of it. They will have a blast in the pool this summer once it opens! Jack's mommy is Jessica and she is pregnant too and due in November so it's fun to share more similarities with others here!
Rachel, Kevin's wife is awesomely fun and is so helpful to all of us with kids! We love her!
Jen and I stick together and help each other out whenever possible! It is so nice to have someone here to lean on no matter what. :)
We are surrounded by beautiful trees like these all around our little "village."
Dylan's "cheese" smile while he monkeyed around!
Jack and Cohen climbed up and sat together on the slide. So cute!
My handsome just playin'.
Cohen showing off his scraped knee after running back from the playground...
I have been here for over a week now and it has flown by! We will be heading home to prepare for the other adventure of our second baby before we know it!
Boy or Girl or Boy or maybe a Girl... can't wait for TUESDAY! AHHHH! :)
We went to our new ward last Sunday and there are 16 little kids in nursery and just 3 adults! Cohen seemed to do just fine when I left, but I may be staying in there if I don't get called first, just to help out. The ward seems like a great group of people with a lot of dentists and doctors, more laid back than the wards I have been in in Utah or visited in California. Our church building is nestled in a ton of foresty trees, it looks beautiful! I will have to get a picture this Sunday.
We have a date for our ultrasound finally! This Tuesday morning! I am feeling nervous and excited! I am not sure why I am nervous... not because I want one gender more than the other, but I think because it will seem real finally to be able to put a face to this baby. I have been feeling the baby move for a few weeks now, but I am still in awe that we are doing this all again! That there is an actual human being growing inside me, another person that isn't Cohen! That this is all real and we are half way done (maybe more if it shows up early like Cohen) and holy crap! I am going to be a mother of two! What will I do with myself? Scott and I lay in bed at night and can't wrap out heads around having another newborn. We laugh to ourselves knowing a small part of the chaos we are in for. Cohen also has a rude awakening coming his way... :)
I love the group of girls that are out here with us! We have so much fun together running places, going to the park or doing dinner together. I feel thankful for their support because this could be very lonely without them. Cohen has Dylan to play with everyday and a new playmate named Jack (15 months) that he just loves! They both live in our building (this is a BIG complex with lots of other couples in other areas). Jack laughs and laughs at Cohen and thinks everything he does is funny! Jack tries to keep up with Cohen and Dylan and watches what the big boys do and catches on quick! Cohen had a bath at Jack's last night after we had a lasgna dinner with all the girls and Jack splashed and splashed and Cohen didn't know what to think of it. They will have a blast in the pool this summer once it opens! Jack's mommy is Jessica and she is pregnant too and due in November so it's fun to share more similarities with others here!
Here are most of the boys in our group at dinner last night!
Jack, Cohen, Dylan, Brock
(There are a several new baby girls out here too and one other little boy that is almost a year.)
Jack, Cohen, Dylan, Brock
(There are a several new baby girls out here too and one other little boy that is almost a year.)
Rachel, Kevin's wife is awesomely fun and is so helpful to all of us with kids! We love her!
Jen and I stick together and help each other out whenever possible! It is so nice to have someone here to lean on no matter what. :)I haven't gotten to know the other mom's and wives too well yet, but look forward to hanging out with them all and having lots of fun all summer long! Speaking of summer, I finally saw some blue skies today and wore flip flops! It has been gloomy and rainy since we got here most everyday so it was fun to be outside at the playground and enjoy the sunshine, even though the clouds soon came to paint the sky gray.
We are surrounded by beautiful trees like these all around our little "village."
Dylan's "cheese" smile while he monkeyed around!
Jack and Cohen climbed up and sat together on the slide. So cute!
My handsome just playin'.
Cohen showing off his scraped knee after running back from the playground...
I have been here for over a week now and it has flown by! We will be heading home to prepare for the other adventure of our second baby before we know it!Boy or Girl or Boy or maybe a Girl... can't wait for TUESDAY! AHHHH! :)
Saturday, March 28, 2009
What a beautiful day!
We have a couple different options with the dogs, but won't know what we are doing for sure for another week or two. I am not sure whether I rather take them (which may still be a possibility) or leave them with someone. I know it would be lot easier on me (physically and less stress) with the move and being in Boston if I didn't have them, but I know I will worry about them, no matter who they are with and I will miss them so much! Maybe too much?
At 14 weeks, I am still feeling just as sick as ever. And with the hormone Relaxin that peaks at this point, it is also making my body ache!
I spent the day weeding our huge front flower beds and really enjoyed being out in the sunshine and getting my hands dirty in the mud! After over 4 hours straight, I thought to myself, maybe it wasn't such a good idea. Now my body really hurts! I guess things can always get worse so I have to look at the bright side, this is only temporary and in the end when I am holding my new baby in my arms I will be thankful to have had the opportunity to experience it again, all the aches and pains included.
At 14 weeks, I am still feeling just as sick as ever. And with the hormone Relaxin that peaks at this point, it is also making my body ache!
I spent the day weeding our huge front flower beds and really enjoyed being out in the sunshine and getting my hands dirty in the mud! After over 4 hours straight, I thought to myself, maybe it wasn't such a good idea. Now my body really hurts! I guess things can always get worse so I have to look at the bright side, this is only temporary and in the end when I am holding my new baby in my arms I will be thankful to have had the opportunity to experience it again, all the aches and pains included.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Reminders of what is truly important...
Occasionally I stumble upon someones story that will forever change me... I found this blog today and have had a hard time stopping the tears. Read from January forward...
http://themcclenahans.blogspot.com/2009/01/sick.html
Disclaimer: Have a box of tissues ready... a huge box of tissues. Really.
http://themcclenahans.blogspot.com/2009/01/sick.html
Disclaimer: Have a box of tissues ready... a huge box of tissues. Really.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Double Lines, It's positive!
I am not sure why I wrote this backwards! I suggest starting at the bottom and working up in order. :)
March 20th
Our first doctors appointment went great! We heard the baby's heartbeat, although it took her a minute to find it because the baby was hiding. It is so comforting hearing that "woosh woosh" sound. :)
The appointment went right through Cohen's nap and we waited a really long time to see Dr. Jones because he got called to the ER when we first got there. Cohen had a hard time, but we did our best to entertain him the hour and a half we were there. The plane ride to Boston should be so much fun... 6+ hours with Cohen wiggling and screaming on my lap. Lucky passengers! It will be better than 4 days in the car though.
Anyway, Dr. Jones said we should wait until 20 weeks to do our ultrasound because not everything is developed before then that they need to check, so we will have to wait until we get to Boston. He also said to head back around 35 weeks so I will be leaving about a week before Scott heads home. I can also stop taking the Prometrium, I have few pills left so I will just finish those and my progesterone should be good.
Scott and I feel so excited to be having another baby! I keep waiting for it to feel real, but it still doesn't. I am so excited to find out whether this baby is a boy or a girl, it makes me even more anxious to get to Boston now!
March 18th
I am so excited to be 12 weeks (and a few days) and in my second trimester!!! Woo hoo!
I am starting to get more energy back and I don't think the nausea has been as bad. I feel pretty good in the mornings and as long as I don't push myself I feel ok at night, well enough to eat dinner.
I had lost a few pounds and now feel bloated and huge by the end of the day.
We have told all of our family now. Scott was in California most of last week for a preseason sales trip for APX, which made for a long, tiring week, but he was able to see his family and have dinner with them and tell them all our exciting news! I told my dad today and Scott had told Michelle when he got back from Cali.
The next couple months will be so exciting! Feeling the baby move again, getting prepared and moving to Boston and finding out what the baby is!!! I look forward to it all! :)
March 12th
I am getting anxious to let the word out to the world about our little "secret"! In the mornings I can hide the bump fine, but once I eat a big meal or as the day goes on, I feel huge! I think I was probably this size at 16 weeks with Cohen. The baby is growing a lot this week, an entire inch, totaling 2 and a half inches head to bum! The baby is getting big! I am looking forward to hearing the heartbeat again at our appointment in a week and a half. At that point I will be in the second trimester and I think I will feel more comfortable about being open about this pregnancy.
March 9th
I feel so happy every time I think about my little baby. I am finally allowing myself to enjoy the thoughts of whether this baby is a boy or a girl and all the details that come along with planning for it!
I had a strong feeling that Cohen was a boy and felt completely sure we would have another boy after him. But now I am unsure and wouldn't be surprised if this turned out to be a little girl! I honestly want both 50/50, I would love to have another little boy! I also don't know how many more kids we will be able to have or even try for and I would love to have a daughter. Out of the people that already know, most are guessing a girl, but we will have to wait and see!
I have already noticed some differences with this pregnancy compared to Cohen's, but every pregnancy can be different. I have had a lot more sickness which started earlier, but I have been on a different form of progesterone which could be causing stronger nausea. I already feel like my uterus is higher, Cohen was SO LOW and at this point my pants hurt to button. I can still button them fine, it is just a little uncomfortable to sit so I am wearing my wonderfully comfortable maternity pants! Love them! Also, my bra bothers me so much! The pressure it puts on my esophagus makes me sick! I use a rubber band to make it wider or don't button it at all. I am excited to see what else is different as time goes on. I really enjoyed my pregnancy with Cohen, but have had a hard time enjoying this one. Hopefully that changes once I feel better and start sleeping a little better! Good luck to me!
March 6th
What an awesome day!!! RELIEF!
I didn't only get to see our baby on the ultrasound with a strong heartbeat as it waved its arms and moved its legs and arched its back, but I found out I am almost week ahead of what I thought I was! I will be 11 weeks on Sunday! How great is that to be able to skip a week ahead! The sooner I get out of the first trimester, the better!
The heart beat was at about 162 bpm. It was awesome to hear and to see a healthy (adorable!) little baby, but it all seems so surreal! I still don't believe it. I think I have been trying to stay detached from the outcome for so long now that it just doesn't seem like it is happening. We got great news, now I can breath easy (even though I still am not) and move forward with the exciting plans of having a baby, due September 27th!
Looks like I will be coming back from Boston early! I was planning on doing this anyway, but where I had Cohen almost 3 weeks early, it is cutting it close! I will have to see what my doctor recommends. My first doctors appointment is on the 20th!
(I asked the ultrasound tech whether or not I may be able to feel the baby move by now because I thought I did yesterday and she said it depends on who you ask, but she think you can at 10-11 weeks. I am sure it was my baby last night fluttering around!)
March 5th
So, I was sitting still while on the computer tonight and I started thinking about the baby and what I thought the outcome of tomorrow might be and that is when I felt this flutter vibration for about 5 second, I think it was the baby! It would be so early to feel the baby move, but it helped me to feel hopeful and excited about the ultrasound in the morning...
March 3rd
Trucking along... counting down each day!
Mornings and afternoons have been going pretty well! Unfortunately around 4-5 pm the nausea, excess saliva, nasty taste in my mouth, etc all return and make it hard to eat dinner and go to sleep at night. I haven't been falling asleep until midnight or 1 in the morning and Cohen wakes up around 7:30. I am also waking up once or twice to go to the bathroom. Oh, sweet sweet pregnancy... and fatigue. :) I do feel thankful though.
March 2nd
Scott and I were cuddling on the couch tonight and fear set in when we started talking about the ultrasound coming up in a few days.
I feel sick and irritable and my stomach is huge most of the time from indigestion and I am soooo tired. This is all real, but the well being of our baby is unknown to me.
I am afraid of getting to the ultrasound and once again not seeing what should be there...
Is there really a healthy baby growing inside me?
It should be over an inch long with fingers and toes and facial features that are becoming more distinct everyday. Its rapidly beating heart should have divided into four separate chambers...
I feel like everything is going good, but the fear of the past is hard to leave behind... what if there is nothing there?
March 1st
So, March has been a lot better than February was already! I got out and took a walk in the nice warm weather and it really lifted my mood and helped with all the indigestion and bloating which I think also helped a bit with the nausea. I hope March just keeps getting better!
Only 4 days until the ultrasound and 7 weeks until we are leaving for Boston! Crazy crazy!
February 27th
I am happy February is almost over!
I am especially happy to say I am still pregnant!
I am excited for next week, I have an ultrasound scheduled for Friday and am really feeling anxious to see our baby and to hear its heart beat and to fully realized this is real and worth what I have been going through!
It isn't just a dream where I have had the flu for almost a month straight, where I am really irritable and tired and my belly is swollen and majorly BLOATED and have a weird metallic taste in my mouth that makes me nauseous. Where my skin is a wreck and food is the enemy and a chore to take on. Where I have a hard time falling asleep because I feel so sick and once I finally do I wake up because I need to pee!
Nope... far to specific to be a dream!
February 15th
I had midnight sickness a few days ago.... it was so completely horrid. I hate hugging our toilet.
That isn't the only reason I hate our toilet.
If I am drinking enough water, which has been harder to do lately, then I am going pee about every 20 minutes! I have gone through a ton of toilet paper!
I hate to sound like I am complaining because I am so thankful things seem to be going well! But complaining is sometimes the only thing that helps, so I do it. Scott is looking forward to the second trimester...
February 11th
Dang, the morning sickness was bad today! I am excited to move past the first trimester and to start feeling better. Almost 7 weeks... possibly 9 more to go? It was around 15-16 weeks that I felt better with Cohen. AND around 16 weeks we will be moving to BOSTON! We just made this decision in the last couple days to go out with APX and we are really excited! We have a lot of details to figure out before we go. We will be leaving around the 20th of April! I am excited and nervous!
February 8th
It has been a very long week filled with waves of nausea, but no hanging over the toilet, but feeling like it, but holding it in and fighting it down at all costs!
I have moments where I feel completely fine and am thankful for those times that give me the strength to feel like I can get through this. I have told myself more than once, if I can get through 5 miscarriages, I can get through morning sickness! I am having a hard time hiding it from people I am around, hopefully everyone doesn't already assume by the time we feel comfortable telling people.
I am 6 weeks now. I don't know if I will do a blood test to check my hCG this week. I want to, but really need to save money if possible. I will just see if I can wait another week first.
February 1st
WOW! February hit me like a ton of bricks.
My stomach has felt unsettled the last day or two, but I thought it was all the worrying I have been doing. But now I either have the stomach flu or severe morning sickness has already kicked in.
And I don't think it's the flu.
I didn't get sick like this with Cohen. I felt nauseous and threw up twice, but that didn't start until 8 weeks or so. I started the morning early with throwing up and have been hugging the white thrown almost the entire time since.
Be careful what you ask for... this definitely preoccupies my thoughts.
Going into this pregnancy, severe morning sickness was the last thing on my mind. It has now made itself front and center!
January 31st
This morning I woke up and just had a really unsettled feeling. I couldn't stop thinking and worrying so I decided to go in for another blood test.
(It isn't going to be fun getting all of these bills! But the comfort it brings makes it easier on me and prevents me from worrying myself sick.)
I checked my hCG and progesterone again.
My hCG is at 8,009! My progesterone looks ok at 22.
I can breath now, but had a hard day thinking the worst.
5 weeks now...
I am happy January is done! Now I just need to get through February and go from there.
The hormones have been crazy and I have felt so irritable! Poor Scott! He has been letting me sleep in most mornings to catch some extra Zzz's which has helped me a lot! It has been nice to have him around most of the time. Hard at times too with how moody I am! :)
January 26th
The numbers looked great! 952!
(I am now sporting a HUGE bruise on my right arm from them taking my blood, gonna have to keep that one covered!)
January 25th
Tomorrow I am going to go get another blood test to check my hCG levels again and see where they are at. Since I am already on Prometrium, they said I don't need to check my progesterone anymore. So now I think I will just do a weekly hCG check and go from there.
January 23rd
I took a second pregnancy test today. A darker double line appeared this time. :)
A week or so ago, Scott told me how worried he was about how much I had been sleeping. Once we knew we were pregnant, it made sense! I have been really really tired. With how many times I have been pregnant, it still surprises me with how much things change in your body the second you conceive.
I have been praying a lot for strength, that I may be able handle the outcome if we don't have this baby. And if we are blessed with this baby, then I have been praying for comfort and peace of mind so I don't worry myself sick in the mean time. I better get back to my day of trying to completely focus on my beautiful boy and keeping him busy and happy!
I am finally 4 weeks!
January 21st
PART 1: I feel like I have so much to be thankful for in my life. I have been so blessed so I feel a little unsure about sitting here hoping for a miracle. I have already received one miracle, but I am hoping it can happen again. I am going to go get the blood test in a couple hours and then won't know anything for another couple after that. We just need to jump this hurdle and move on to the next. Butterflies fill my stomach... it is so hard not to think about everything. What could be. What may happen instead... I don't know how to feel or what to think. The best thing to do right now is just NOT THINK.
Continue to take prenatal, take thyroid homeopathic, take digestive enzymes, take prometrium, take omega-3s. Eat healthy, sleep well, pray hard, drink lots of water, pee often, distract myself by rambling on my blog, rest, take good care of Cohen, dogs and husband, clean house, grocery shop, watch tv or anything that is entertaining or distracting,
but DON'T THINK.
January 20th
I got my blood test results back this morning...
My hCG was 28. I am still not even late, so the numbers show how early it is.
My progesterone was cause for concern though. It needs to be above 20 and it was 17.
I switched from the progesterone cream to the oral pills. I wasn't suppose to take it until bedtime, but got eager to get it through my body so I took it at about 7pm. Bad choice. I felt really dizzy and light headed and thought I would pass out, but after about an hour or so it passed. I think I will wait until bed from now on.
I am thankful I feel like I am doing what I can and that I had a feeling to take a test so early because even though I have been told it is probably not my progesterone (by my ob, since my miscarriages have been so early), clearly it is low right now and we are getting a jump on it. Every week from here on out I requested to have my progesterone checked. We don't think our insurance will cover it, but it will give me comfort and more insight than we have had. Scott is wonderfully supportive in whatever tests I do or do not want to do.
Tomorrow I will do a follow up blood test to check the hCG levels. They need to double every 48 hours. Baby steps... or hopefully there will be...
January 19th
A couple nights ago I awoke from a dream where Scott and I realized HE was about 6 months pregnant. We could feel the baby moving inside and he was really freaked out and embarrassed. He asked me not to tell anyone and I proceeded to tell him how he would need a c-section because he would not be able to deliver naturally. WEIRD!
March 20th
Our first doctors appointment went great! We heard the baby's heartbeat, although it took her a minute to find it because the baby was hiding. It is so comforting hearing that "woosh woosh" sound. :)
The appointment went right through Cohen's nap and we waited a really long time to see Dr. Jones because he got called to the ER when we first got there. Cohen had a hard time, but we did our best to entertain him the hour and a half we were there. The plane ride to Boston should be so much fun... 6+ hours with Cohen wiggling and screaming on my lap. Lucky passengers! It will be better than 4 days in the car though.
Anyway, Dr. Jones said we should wait until 20 weeks to do our ultrasound because not everything is developed before then that they need to check, so we will have to wait until we get to Boston. He also said to head back around 35 weeks so I will be leaving about a week before Scott heads home. I can also stop taking the Prometrium, I have few pills left so I will just finish those and my progesterone should be good.
Scott and I feel so excited to be having another baby! I keep waiting for it to feel real, but it still doesn't. I am so excited to find out whether this baby is a boy or a girl, it makes me even more anxious to get to Boston now!
March 18th
I am so excited to be 12 weeks (and a few days) and in my second trimester!!! Woo hoo!
I am starting to get more energy back and I don't think the nausea has been as bad. I feel pretty good in the mornings and as long as I don't push myself I feel ok at night, well enough to eat dinner.
I had lost a few pounds and now feel bloated and huge by the end of the day.
We have told all of our family now. Scott was in California most of last week for a preseason sales trip for APX, which made for a long, tiring week, but he was able to see his family and have dinner with them and tell them all our exciting news! I told my dad today and Scott had told Michelle when he got back from Cali.
The next couple months will be so exciting! Feeling the baby move again, getting prepared and moving to Boston and finding out what the baby is!!! I look forward to it all! :)
March 12th
I am getting anxious to let the word out to the world about our little "secret"! In the mornings I can hide the bump fine, but once I eat a big meal or as the day goes on, I feel huge! I think I was probably this size at 16 weeks with Cohen. The baby is growing a lot this week, an entire inch, totaling 2 and a half inches head to bum! The baby is getting big! I am looking forward to hearing the heartbeat again at our appointment in a week and a half. At that point I will be in the second trimester and I think I will feel more comfortable about being open about this pregnancy.
March 9th
I feel so happy every time I think about my little baby. I am finally allowing myself to enjoy the thoughts of whether this baby is a boy or a girl and all the details that come along with planning for it!
I had a strong feeling that Cohen was a boy and felt completely sure we would have another boy after him. But now I am unsure and wouldn't be surprised if this turned out to be a little girl! I honestly want both 50/50, I would love to have another little boy! I also don't know how many more kids we will be able to have or even try for and I would love to have a daughter. Out of the people that already know, most are guessing a girl, but we will have to wait and see!
I have already noticed some differences with this pregnancy compared to Cohen's, but every pregnancy can be different. I have had a lot more sickness which started earlier, but I have been on a different form of progesterone which could be causing stronger nausea. I already feel like my uterus is higher, Cohen was SO LOW and at this point my pants hurt to button. I can still button them fine, it is just a little uncomfortable to sit so I am wearing my wonderfully comfortable maternity pants! Love them! Also, my bra bothers me so much! The pressure it puts on my esophagus makes me sick! I use a rubber band to make it wider or don't button it at all. I am excited to see what else is different as time goes on. I really enjoyed my pregnancy with Cohen, but have had a hard time enjoying this one. Hopefully that changes once I feel better and start sleeping a little better! Good luck to me!
March 6th
What an awesome day!!! RELIEF!
I didn't only get to see our baby on the ultrasound with a strong heartbeat as it waved its arms and moved its legs and arched its back, but I found out I am almost week ahead of what I thought I was! I will be 11 weeks on Sunday! How great is that to be able to skip a week ahead! The sooner I get out of the first trimester, the better!
The heart beat was at about 162 bpm. It was awesome to hear and to see a healthy (adorable!) little baby, but it all seems so surreal! I still don't believe it. I think I have been trying to stay detached from the outcome for so long now that it just doesn't seem like it is happening. We got great news, now I can breath easy (even though I still am not) and move forward with the exciting plans of having a baby, due September 27th!
Looks like I will be coming back from Boston early! I was planning on doing this anyway, but where I had Cohen almost 3 weeks early, it is cutting it close! I will have to see what my doctor recommends. My first doctors appointment is on the 20th!
(I asked the ultrasound tech whether or not I may be able to feel the baby move by now because I thought I did yesterday and she said it depends on who you ask, but she think you can at 10-11 weeks. I am sure it was my baby last night fluttering around!)
March 5th
So, I was sitting still while on the computer tonight and I started thinking about the baby and what I thought the outcome of tomorrow might be and that is when I felt this flutter vibration for about 5 second, I think it was the baby! It would be so early to feel the baby move, but it helped me to feel hopeful and excited about the ultrasound in the morning...
March 3rd
Trucking along... counting down each day!
Mornings and afternoons have been going pretty well! Unfortunately around 4-5 pm the nausea, excess saliva, nasty taste in my mouth, etc all return and make it hard to eat dinner and go to sleep at night. I haven't been falling asleep until midnight or 1 in the morning and Cohen wakes up around 7:30. I am also waking up once or twice to go to the bathroom. Oh, sweet sweet pregnancy... and fatigue. :) I do feel thankful though.
March 2nd
Scott and I were cuddling on the couch tonight and fear set in when we started talking about the ultrasound coming up in a few days.
I feel sick and irritable and my stomach is huge most of the time from indigestion and I am soooo tired. This is all real, but the well being of our baby is unknown to me.
I am afraid of getting to the ultrasound and once again not seeing what should be there...
Is there really a healthy baby growing inside me?
It should be over an inch long with fingers and toes and facial features that are becoming more distinct everyday. Its rapidly beating heart should have divided into four separate chambers...
I feel like everything is going good, but the fear of the past is hard to leave behind... what if there is nothing there?
March 1st
So, March has been a lot better than February was already! I got out and took a walk in the nice warm weather and it really lifted my mood and helped with all the indigestion and bloating which I think also helped a bit with the nausea. I hope March just keeps getting better!
Only 4 days until the ultrasound and 7 weeks until we are leaving for Boston! Crazy crazy!
February 27th
I am happy February is almost over!
I am especially happy to say I am still pregnant!
(Scott has been really busy with work all month which has been a blessing, but also hard with how sick I have been. I have needed him a lot when he couldn't be there. Our ward is going to help us out by bringing a couple dinners this next week which will be nice since smells bother me so much that I can't smell something before I eat it. I don't think I have cooked a single dinner all month!)
I am about 9 weeks now and we have passed all the marks of my previous 5 miscarriages! (Whew!!!)I am excited for next week, I have an ultrasound scheduled for Friday and am really feeling anxious to see our baby and to hear its heart beat and to fully realized this is real and worth what I have been going through!
It isn't just a dream where I have had the flu for almost a month straight, where I am really irritable and tired and my belly is swollen and majorly BLOATED and have a weird metallic taste in my mouth that makes me nauseous. Where my skin is a wreck and food is the enemy and a chore to take on. Where I have a hard time falling asleep because I feel so sick and once I finally do I wake up because I need to pee!
Nope... far to specific to be a dream!
February 15th
I had midnight sickness a few days ago.... it was so completely horrid. I hate hugging our toilet.
That isn't the only reason I hate our toilet.
If I am drinking enough water, which has been harder to do lately, then I am going pee about every 20 minutes! I have gone through a ton of toilet paper!
I hate to sound like I am complaining because I am so thankful things seem to be going well! But complaining is sometimes the only thing that helps, so I do it. Scott is looking forward to the second trimester...
February 11th
Dang, the morning sickness was bad today! I am excited to move past the first trimester and to start feeling better. Almost 7 weeks... possibly 9 more to go? It was around 15-16 weeks that I felt better with Cohen. AND around 16 weeks we will be moving to BOSTON! We just made this decision in the last couple days to go out with APX and we are really excited! We have a lot of details to figure out before we go. We will be leaving around the 20th of April! I am excited and nervous!
February 8th
It has been a very long week filled with waves of nausea, but no hanging over the toilet, but feeling like it, but holding it in and fighting it down at all costs!
I have moments where I feel completely fine and am thankful for those times that give me the strength to feel like I can get through this. I have told myself more than once, if I can get through 5 miscarriages, I can get through morning sickness! I am having a hard time hiding it from people I am around, hopefully everyone doesn't already assume by the time we feel comfortable telling people.
I am 6 weeks now. I don't know if I will do a blood test to check my hCG this week. I want to, but really need to save money if possible. I will just see if I can wait another week first.
February 1st
WOW! February hit me like a ton of bricks.
My stomach has felt unsettled the last day or two, but I thought it was all the worrying I have been doing. But now I either have the stomach flu or severe morning sickness has already kicked in.
And I don't think it's the flu.
I didn't get sick like this with Cohen. I felt nauseous and threw up twice, but that didn't start until 8 weeks or so. I started the morning early with throwing up and have been hugging the white thrown almost the entire time since.
Be careful what you ask for... this definitely preoccupies my thoughts.
Going into this pregnancy, severe morning sickness was the last thing on my mind. It has now made itself front and center!
January 31st
This morning I woke up and just had a really unsettled feeling. I couldn't stop thinking and worrying so I decided to go in for another blood test.
(It isn't going to be fun getting all of these bills! But the comfort it brings makes it easier on me and prevents me from worrying myself sick.)
I checked my hCG and progesterone again.
My hCG is at 8,009! My progesterone looks ok at 22.
I can breath now, but had a hard day thinking the worst.
5 weeks now...
I am happy January is done! Now I just need to get through February and go from there.
The hormones have been crazy and I have felt so irritable! Poor Scott! He has been letting me sleep in most mornings to catch some extra Zzz's which has helped me a lot! It has been nice to have him around most of the time. Hard at times too with how moody I am! :)
January 26thThe numbers looked great! 952!
(I am now sporting a HUGE bruise on my right arm from them taking my blood, gonna have to keep that one covered!)
January 25th
Tomorrow I am going to go get another blood test to check my hCG levels again and see where they are at. Since I am already on Prometrium, they said I don't need to check my progesterone anymore. So now I think I will just do a weekly hCG check and go from there.
January 23rd
I took a second pregnancy test today. A darker double line appeared this time. :)
A week or so ago, Scott told me how worried he was about how much I had been sleeping. Once we knew we were pregnant, it made sense! I have been really really tired. With how many times I have been pregnant, it still surprises me with how much things change in your body the second you conceive.
I have been praying a lot for strength, that I may be able handle the outcome if we don't have this baby. And if we are blessed with this baby, then I have been praying for comfort and peace of mind so I don't worry myself sick in the mean time. I better get back to my day of trying to completely focus on my beautiful boy and keeping him busy and happy!
I am finally 4 weeks!
January 21st
PART 1: I feel like I have so much to be thankful for in my life. I have been so blessed so I feel a little unsure about sitting here hoping for a miracle. I have already received one miracle, but I am hoping it can happen again. I am going to go get the blood test in a couple hours and then won't know anything for another couple after that. We just need to jump this hurdle and move on to the next. Butterflies fill my stomach... it is so hard not to think about everything. What could be. What may happen instead... I don't know how to feel or what to think. The best thing to do right now is just NOT THINK.
Continue to take prenatal, take thyroid homeopathic, take digestive enzymes, take prometrium, take omega-3s. Eat healthy, sleep well, pray hard, drink lots of water, pee often, distract myself by rambling on my blog, rest, take good care of Cohen, dogs and husband, clean house, grocery shop, watch tv or anything that is entertaining or distracting,
but DON'T THINK.
PART 2: One hurdle down! Numbers looked good. HCG went from 28 to 112. One step forward.
January 20th
I got my blood test results back this morning...
My hCG was 28. I am still not even late, so the numbers show how early it is.
My progesterone was cause for concern though. It needs to be above 20 and it was 17.
I switched from the progesterone cream to the oral pills. I wasn't suppose to take it until bedtime, but got eager to get it through my body so I took it at about 7pm. Bad choice. I felt really dizzy and light headed and thought I would pass out, but after about an hour or so it passed. I think I will wait until bed from now on.
I am thankful I feel like I am doing what I can and that I had a feeling to take a test so early because even though I have been told it is probably not my progesterone (by my ob, since my miscarriages have been so early), clearly it is low right now and we are getting a jump on it. Every week from here on out I requested to have my progesterone checked. We don't think our insurance will cover it, but it will give me comfort and more insight than we have had. Scott is wonderfully supportive in whatever tests I do or do not want to do.
Tomorrow I will do a follow up blood test to check the hCG levels. They need to double every 48 hours. Baby steps... or hopefully there will be...
January 19th
A couple nights ago I awoke from a dream where Scott and I realized HE was about 6 months pregnant. We could feel the baby moving inside and he was really freaked out and embarrassed. He asked me not to tell anyone and I proceeded to tell him how he would need a c-section because he would not be able to deliver naturally. WEIRD!
Strange dreams are commonly associated with being pregnant. I am still five days away from D-Day, but for the last week I have felt that, dare I say it? That I am pregnant. I took a test this afternoon and low and behold that (extremely faint) early positive line appeared.
Let the blood tests begin! And hopefully, the anxiety of it all won't get the best of me...
Let the blood tests begin! And hopefully, the anxiety of it all won't get the best of me...
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Merry Christmas Eve!
It is midnight now, so it is officially Christmas Eve! I just wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and I hope everyone enjoys spending time with their loved ones! I am excited to spend Christmas at my mom's this year, plus my in-laws are in town so we get to see all of them too! Holidays remind us all of what life truly is all about! Family, food and fun (right?)!
I feel so blessed... even though we have had some hard trials this year, I feel we are stronger and more grateful now than before. I also feel thankful to be a member of the LDS church. As I sat in sacrament on Sunday and listened to the Christmas program, I felt overwhelmed with love and happiness to be there. I felt the true meaning of Christmas as I thought about our Savior and all that he has made possible for us. It is so easy to get "wrapped" (ha ha) up in the logistics of the holiday and too easy to forget to remind ourselves and others about why we actually are celebrating Christ's Birthday!
I am so thankful for my family and for my husband and baby and especially for that baby Jesus that was born so long ago...
Merry Christmas Everyone!
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
One of those days...
I am having a trying day today...
One of those days where you question your ability as a mom.
(I think every parent knows what I am talking about.)
Being a mother brings all of your
weaknesses right out front... center stage... in the spot light.
I guess this is when we are suppose to turn them into strengths...?
Sometimes you wonder who entrusted you with this perfect little being?
(Obviously someone who knows all of our greatness and strengths...)
I think about how I wanted this for Y.E.A.R.S.! But on days like this, living each moment with a toddler, a highly demanding, screaming, tantrum throwing toddler, is anything but easy. I am trying to be more understanding and patient and easy going. I am trying hard, but feeling like it isn't enough and trying not to be too hard on myself in the process.
Because this is what it is...
One of those days where you question your ability as a mom.
(I think every parent knows what I am talking about.)
Being a mother brings all of your
weaknesses right out front... center stage... in the spot light.
I guess this is when we are suppose to turn them into strengths...?
Sometimes you wonder who entrusted you with this perfect little being?
(Obviously someone who knows all of our greatness and strengths...)
I think about how I wanted this for Y.E.A.R.S.! But on days like this, living each moment with a toddler, a highly demanding, screaming, tantrum throwing toddler, is anything but easy. I am trying to be more understanding and patient and easy going. I am trying hard, but feeling like it isn't enough and trying not to be too hard on myself in the process.
Because this is what it is...
a learning process.
And hopefully when it is all said and done I can be thankful for all of the many trials because of the strength it gave me in the end.
And hopefully when it is all said and done I can be thankful for all of the many trials because of the strength it gave me in the end.
Over the last year or so I have read different friends blogs who have wrote about their trials and different times I have been humbled, comforted, taught a lesson or could relate. I am thankful to them, those who aren't afraid to show their weakness, so I know I am not alone.
I hope what I have gone through, will go through and will write about will help the people I love to get through whatever trials lay ahead, because like I said, it's all just a learning process...
I hope what I have gone through, will go through and will write about will help the people I love to get through whatever trials lay ahead, because like I said, it's all just a learning process...
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Follow up doctors appointment....
I just got back from my follow up appointment with my doctor (as the title would give away). I am feeling so sad, I just don't know where to go from here...
He gave me comfort through his empathetic smile and body language, but nothing he said could help because he just doesn't know why or what we can do. He didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. He said where each of my 5 miscarriages have been so early, statistically it would be chromosome abnormalities. Once we saw the heartbeat we should have been good from there. They would worry about my progesterone if I had been further along or they would test for a blood clotting disorder, but generally that is for second trimester losses. But again, it has just been so early...
I had him order several blood tests for me for a new place I am going to go to. My mom has referred a lot of clients to a natural hormone replacement center called Wellnique. They also help men, women and children with everything you can imagine with homeopathics and herbs. My sister-in-law Michelle also told me she has heard they have helped many, many women who can't get pregnant to conceive so I am hoping they can help me stay pregnant since we have been lucky these last few times to conceive so quickly. Before these last two miscarriages, I use to be more afraid of it taking us a long time than I was about miscarrying since it took us a year inbetween our first and second miscarriages. Now I am just really scared about getting pregnant again. I want to try again, but I feel like we are playing Russian Roulette with a bullet in every spot but one instead of only one bullet total.
I know we will move forward from here because our desire and hope is still stronger than our fear and weakness, I just pray it doesn't come to a day where we are too weak and beaten down to continue. That we stop trying to have children by choice because we are done and not because we can no longer hope.
I had him order several blood tests for me for a new place I am going to go to. My mom has referred a lot of clients to a natural hormone replacement center called Wellnique. They also help men, women and children with everything you can imagine with homeopathics and herbs. My sister-in-law Michelle also told me she has heard they have helped many, many women who can't get pregnant to conceive so I am hoping they can help me stay pregnant since we have been lucky these last few times to conceive so quickly. Before these last two miscarriages, I use to be more afraid of it taking us a long time than I was about miscarrying since it took us a year inbetween our first and second miscarriages. Now I am just really scared about getting pregnant again. I want to try again, but I feel like we are playing Russian Roulette with a bullet in every spot but one instead of only one bullet total.
I know we will move forward from here because our desire and hope is still stronger than our fear and weakness, I just pray it doesn't come to a day where we are too weak and beaten down to continue. That we stop trying to have children by choice because we are done and not because we can no longer hope.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Blessings in Disguise?
So we packed up and headed to Park City on Friday night with our little Cohen, excited to get away for a night of pizza, swimming, movies in bed and fun.
We checked in and had the smaller (normal sized) room this time. As we were unloading we realized we (I) forgot the porta-crib! Well, we would just let the little restless sleeper sleep in between us and hopefully get some actual sleeping in.
When we got to the room Cohen was really really whiny because he didn't have much of a nap that day so we ordered pizza and kept him busy until it was time to head up to the floor to get it. We passed the pool on the way and it looked like it was closed for service but they said it would reopen in an hour and a half. So we got our pizza and went back to the room and hung out and ran around the cubical for the next hour and then got into our swim suits. I was excited to take Cohen swimming to wear him out! I called down to the front desk and they informed me that the pool would actually be closed the rest of the night for maintenance! AHHH! We had two plus hours until he would hopefully go to sleep and who knows if he will sleep with us, and nothing to do so we called the front desk back and told them that was the reason for our stay was to swim with our son. I told them we would prefer to check out and use our prepaid night another time. Reluctantly, they let us.
So we drove home in time to put Cohen down in his own bed. The frustration and let down of the night went along with the rest of the week before, but then I thought that maybe there is a reason it all turned out like it did. Maybe something would have happened if we had stayed, something worse than just a pool being closed and a grumpy child with out a crib. I like to understand most everything that goes on around me so when I don't have an answer it drives me insane. Even when we watch a movie I always have lots of questions and Scott just tells me not to worry about it if he doesn't have the answer.
We were passing through Heber and came so close to hitting a cat that I about had a heart attack. After that I, for some reason, started thinking about how sometimes the annoyances and road blocks in life could actually be protecting us from harder trials. That they may be blessings in disguise.
We checked in and had the smaller (normal sized) room this time. As we were unloading we realized we (I) forgot the porta-crib! Well, we would just let the little restless sleeper sleep in between us and hopefully get some actual sleeping in.
When we got to the room Cohen was really really whiny because he didn't have much of a nap that day so we ordered pizza and kept him busy until it was time to head up to the floor to get it. We passed the pool on the way and it looked like it was closed for service but they said it would reopen in an hour and a half. So we got our pizza and went back to the room and hung out and ran around the cubical for the next hour and then got into our swim suits. I was excited to take Cohen swimming to wear him out! I called down to the front desk and they informed me that the pool would actually be closed the rest of the night for maintenance! AHHH! We had two plus hours until he would hopefully go to sleep and who knows if he will sleep with us, and nothing to do so we called the front desk back and told them that was the reason for our stay was to swim with our son. I told them we would prefer to check out and use our prepaid night another time. Reluctantly, they let us.
So we drove home in time to put Cohen down in his own bed. The frustration and let down of the night went along with the rest of the week before, but then I thought that maybe there is a reason it all turned out like it did. Maybe something would have happened if we had stayed, something worse than just a pool being closed and a grumpy child with out a crib. I like to understand most everything that goes on around me so when I don't have an answer it drives me insane. Even when we watch a movie I always have lots of questions and Scott just tells me not to worry about it if he doesn't have the answer.
We were passing through Heber and came so close to hitting a cat that I about had a heart attack. After that I, for some reason, started thinking about how sometimes the annoyances and road blocks in life could actually be protecting us from harder trials. That they may be blessings in disguise.
Friday, November 14, 2008
I just wanted to take a second and thank everyone for their loving support and encouraging words. I am so thankful for friends and family that I can reach out to, even through a blog.
I am feeling so much better physically. I feel "normal" again, whatever that means. Going from being pregnant and sick and tired for a couple months to suddenly feeling great is weird. It makes me realize how hard pregnancy really is on your body. So, everyone who is expecting or recently had a baby, which is a lot of you, good job! It isn't easy, to say the least!
My little monkey is climbing on me so I have to come to an end... but first can I just tell you how thankful I am for this miracle of mine!
I have truly been blessed to have had this beautiful boy 17 months ago!
It has been a week now since we found out about our fifth angel. Sometimes when you are in the depths of sorrow the negative feelings take over and you can't and/or don't want to see the blessings you already have. Today I can feel purely thankful for my little Cohen.
There is so much more I want to write, hopefully I will get to it later this weekend!
I have truly been blessed to have had this beautiful boy 17 months ago!It has been a week now since we found out about our fifth angel. Sometimes when you are in the depths of sorrow the negative feelings take over and you can't and/or don't want to see the blessings you already have. Today I can feel purely thankful for my little Cohen.
There is so much more I want to write, hopefully I will get to it later this weekend!
Monday, November 10, 2008
Unfortunately, I have another story to tell...
This picture and this story is so personal to me.
I thought about not sharing... not this time,
but then I figured most of the people that spend their time reading this is either family or a close friend and I would tell them if they asked about it anyway.
Besides, it therapeutic for me to write down what I want to forget so I feel safe not thinking about it. So here it goes again.
It was October 5th, the night we returned home from the Ranch.
I took a test.
Double lines... It was positive!
I held my breath...
Two blood tests later to check my levels and everything looked good so all there was left to do was wait...
I stayed down and rested as much as possible for over two long long weeks and tried not to hope, to want or to think.
On October 21st we had an ultrasound.
To our pure joy and excitement, all was well...
The beautiful "woosh woosh woosh"
sound of our unborn babies heartbeat filled the room.
We were told the estimated due date, June 15th, two days after Cohen turns two!
Our baby was 6 weeks and 1 day and counting...
By 7 weeks the nausea had hit me and I had been needing a nap everyday. I was reserved but since we had seen everything had started out perfect, I felt safe.
8 weeks passed. Everything seemed to be going just like it should.
I had told my family and a couple close friends and we were planning on telling Scott's family when we went to visit at Thanksgiving.
I started dreaming about this baby... I felt really strongly that it was another boy.
I was so excited to be having another baby!
*
*
*
I had a scare with Cohen but the spotting immediately stopped, unlike my other four pregnancies.
When I saw the pink, just like every pregnancy before, my heart dropped and I was completely terrified I would loose my perfect baby. The baby whose heartbeat "wooshed" throughout the room just over two weeks ago.
I text Scott that he should come home as soon as he could.
I felt like I needed to see what was going on so we scheduled an ultrasound for that night.
I stayed down like I had been doing for the last month and hoped that they could see what was causing the bleeding.
We dropped Cohen off to my mom and Kay and headed to the hospital. The spotting was still really light so I really didn't expect what would happen next.
We waited impatiently for almost an hour with my bladder full and I was feeling really nauseous and kept staring at the bathroom door hoping I wouldn't have to run in there.
Finally they called us for the ultrasound.
The tech squeezed the warm jelly on my stomach and asked how far along I should be and what pregnancy this is for me.
9th week, 6th pregnancy.
*
*
*
When he started acting weird we thought maybe he didn't know what he was doing...
He said he was looking for an ectopic pregnancy because sometimes they worry about that at this stage.
I told him we already saw the heartbeat and the baby had been right were it should be.
"Oh," he said. Then kept moving the wand around on my abdomen.
I couldn't see the screen so I kept looking to Scott for any clue on what was going on... he just looked at me with a worried expression and said he can't tell what he is looking at and leaned in closer.
I still didn't get it.
The tech then said, "I would have let you listen to the heartbeat already if..." He then said he couldn't see anything in the sac...then he mumbled something about making sure he got all the pictures he needed, he would go double check and to not clean the jelly off my stomach and he left the room.
It hit me then.
No heartbeat?
NOTHING IN THE SAC?
How could that be? How could that be when it is SUPPOSE TO BE!?!
The emotional surge that hits when you get truly unexpected bad news is purely overwhelming.
I laid there staring into the one persons eyes that could most closely understand the complete devastation I was once again feeling.
Then I became hysterical. No other way to put it.
I couldn't breath, my chest was so heavy!
I couldn't feel, the pain was too strong!
I was shaking, I was tingly.
I couldn't form many words other than "NO, WHY! I don't want to...I can't..."
My baby had been so perfect! We saw it, we heard its heart!
Why did it die...!?!
We couldn't get back to Cohen soon enough...
When I finally reached my baby, my only baby, I grabbed him and held him tight and cried. He looked at me and put his hand on my face and he started to cry with me.
Saturday was our 5th anniversary. I laid in bed most of the day, sleeping when I could, while Scott took care of Cohen and I. I thought about how ironic it was being in the middle of our 5th miscarriage on our 5th anniversary.
Thankfully my mom also came to lighten the load on Scott to help clean and cook. She also took Cohen for a little while that evening so Scott and I could have some time alone.
We drove up the canyon and then to the temple and sat by the spot that he proposed to me in. He let me feel the anger and frustration and let me cope in the best way I could. I wanted to pray, but felt too weak and betrayed. Scott gave me a blessing of comfort and even though I wanted to understand and was angry I couldn't, the feeling of peace since then has helped me move forward.
I can't imagine going through this trial with anyone other than Scott. He is strong for me when I need him to be and he vents with me when I need it. He gives me plenty of time to work through the sadness and anger and grief until I can get to the point of acceptance.
I have learned the sooner I can accept it the better. I wish more than anything right now that I could turn back time to the ultrasound and he would find a strong heartbeat and that everything looked great. I wish we were still expecting that little baby, I thought would be a boy. I wish we could share our happy news and plans for this upcoming June.
But, that isn't reality for me anymore.
Sometimes life just plain sucks and there isn't much you can do about it, but breath and sleep and eat when possible and breath.
This miscarriage has been really hard physically. I feel a lot like I did after having Cohen, (except without the stitches and lactating.) I am starting to feel a little better today.
I think I have cried all the tears that will come, for now.
I thought about not sharing... not this time,
but then I figured most of the people that spend their time reading this is either family or a close friend and I would tell them if they asked about it anyway.
Besides, it therapeutic for me to write down what I want to forget so I feel safe not thinking about it. So here it goes again.
It was October 5th, the night we returned home from the Ranch.
I took a test.
Double lines... It was positive!
I held my breath...
Two blood tests later to check my levels and everything looked good so all there was left to do was wait...
I stayed down and rested as much as possible for over two long long weeks and tried not to hope, to want or to think.
On October 21st we had an ultrasound.
To our pure joy and excitement, all was well...
The beautiful "woosh woosh woosh"
sound of our unborn babies heartbeat filled the room.
We were told the estimated due date, June 15th, two days after Cohen turns two!
Our baby was 6 weeks and 1 day and counting...
By 7 weeks the nausea had hit me and I had been needing a nap everyday. I was reserved but since we had seen everything had started out perfect, I felt safe.8 weeks passed. Everything seemed to be going just like it should.
I had told my family and a couple close friends and we were planning on telling Scott's family when we went to visit at Thanksgiving.
I started dreaming about this baby... I felt really strongly that it was another boy.
I was so excited to be having another baby!
*
*
*
I had a scare with Cohen but the spotting immediately stopped, unlike my other four pregnancies.
When I saw the pink, just like every pregnancy before, my heart dropped and I was completely terrified I would loose my perfect baby. The baby whose heartbeat "wooshed" throughout the room just over two weeks ago.
I text Scott that he should come home as soon as he could.
I felt like I needed to see what was going on so we scheduled an ultrasound for that night.
I stayed down like I had been doing for the last month and hoped that they could see what was causing the bleeding.
We dropped Cohen off to my mom and Kay and headed to the hospital. The spotting was still really light so I really didn't expect what would happen next.
We waited impatiently for almost an hour with my bladder full and I was feeling really nauseous and kept staring at the bathroom door hoping I wouldn't have to run in there.
Finally they called us for the ultrasound.
The tech squeezed the warm jelly on my stomach and asked how far along I should be and what pregnancy this is for me.
9th week, 6th pregnancy.
*
*
*
When he started acting weird we thought maybe he didn't know what he was doing...
He said he was looking for an ectopic pregnancy because sometimes they worry about that at this stage.
I told him we already saw the heartbeat and the baby had been right were it should be.
"Oh," he said. Then kept moving the wand around on my abdomen.
I couldn't see the screen so I kept looking to Scott for any clue on what was going on... he just looked at me with a worried expression and said he can't tell what he is looking at and leaned in closer.
I still didn't get it.
The tech then said, "I would have let you listen to the heartbeat already if..." He then said he couldn't see anything in the sac...then he mumbled something about making sure he got all the pictures he needed, he would go double check and to not clean the jelly off my stomach and he left the room.
It hit me then.
No heartbeat?
NOTHING IN THE SAC?
How could that be? How could that be when it is SUPPOSE TO BE!?!
The emotional surge that hits when you get truly unexpected bad news is purely overwhelming.
I laid there staring into the one persons eyes that could most closely understand the complete devastation I was once again feeling.
Then I became hysterical. No other way to put it.
I couldn't breath, my chest was so heavy!
I couldn't feel, the pain was too strong!
I was shaking, I was tingly.
I couldn't form many words other than "NO, WHY! I don't want to...I can't..."
My baby had been so perfect! We saw it, we heard its heart!
Why did it die...!?!
We couldn't get back to Cohen soon enough...
When I finally reached my baby, my only baby, I grabbed him and held him tight and cried. He looked at me and put his hand on my face and he started to cry with me.
Saturday was our 5th anniversary. I laid in bed most of the day, sleeping when I could, while Scott took care of Cohen and I. I thought about how ironic it was being in the middle of our 5th miscarriage on our 5th anniversary.
Thankfully my mom also came to lighten the load on Scott to help clean and cook. She also took Cohen for a little while that evening so Scott and I could have some time alone.
We drove up the canyon and then to the temple and sat by the spot that he proposed to me in. He let me feel the anger and frustration and let me cope in the best way I could. I wanted to pray, but felt too weak and betrayed. Scott gave me a blessing of comfort and even though I wanted to understand and was angry I couldn't, the feeling of peace since then has helped me move forward.
I can't imagine going through this trial with anyone other than Scott. He is strong for me when I need him to be and he vents with me when I need it. He gives me plenty of time to work through the sadness and anger and grief until I can get to the point of acceptance.
I have learned the sooner I can accept it the better. I wish more than anything right now that I could turn back time to the ultrasound and he would find a strong heartbeat and that everything looked great. I wish we were still expecting that little baby, I thought would be a boy. I wish we could share our happy news and plans for this upcoming June.
But, that isn't reality for me anymore.
Sometimes life just plain sucks and there isn't much you can do about it, but breath and sleep and eat when possible and breath.
This miscarriage has been really hard physically. I feel a lot like I did after having Cohen, (except without the stitches and lactating.) I am starting to feel a little better today.
I think I have cried all the tears that will come, for now.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Let's DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
INCREASE YOUR GREEN!
I just wanted to encourage all of my friends and family to...
PLEASE RECYCLE!!!
I recently signed up with Orem City to have a recycling bin at my home and I have had so much fun recycling! It may sound weird, but it feels so good to throw away multiple phone books, plastic bottles (marked 1 or 2), cereal and cardboard boxes, junk mail, toilet paper and paper towel rolls, milk jugs, etc. into a recycle bin rather than the black hole of a trash can to go take up space in our landfills.
It is only a few more dollars per month and it is something we can all participate in.
(Anyone can also come use mine if they live in apartments/condos were it can be hard to get people to participate correctly to be able to sign up.)
Here are a couple interesting and important facts about recycling!
(From DoSomething.org)
PLEASE RECYCLE!!!
I recently signed up with Orem City to have a recycling bin at my home and I have had so much fun recycling! It may sound weird, but it feels so good to throw away multiple phone books, plastic bottles (marked 1 or 2), cereal and cardboard boxes, junk mail, toilet paper and paper towel rolls, milk jugs, etc. into a recycle bin rather than the black hole of a trash can to go take up space in our landfills.It is only a few more dollars per month and it is something we can all participate in.
(Anyone can also come use mine if they live in apartments/condos were it can be hard to get people to participate correctly to be able to sign up.)
Here are a couple interesting and important facts about recycling!
(From DoSomething.org)
- If all of our newspapers were recycled, we could save about 250 million trees each year! If every American recycled just one-tenth of their newspapers, we could save about 25 million trees each year.
- Recycling one ton (about 2,000 pounds) of paper saves 17 trees, two barrels of oil (enough to run the average car for 1,260 miles), 4,100 kilowatts of energy (enough power for the average home for six months), 3.2 cubic yards of landfill space, and 60 pounds of pollution.
- The 17 trees saved by recycling one ton of paper can absorb a total of 250 pounds of carbon dioxide out of the air each year.
- More than 20 million Hershey's Kisses are wrapped each day, using 133 square miles of aluminum foil. Believe it not, ALL that foil is recyclable, but not many people realize it so most it goes in the trash! (SMOOCH!)
- Recycling one aluminum can saves enough energy to run a TV for three hours. In spite of this, Americans throw away enough aluminum to rebuild our entire commercial fleet of airplanes every three months!
- Americans use 2.5 million plastic bottles every hour! (Also, using reusable water bottles instead of buying bottled water is a huge way to help the problem as well!)
- About 80% of what Americans throw away is recyclable, yet our recycling rate is only 28%. (What! 28%?!? That is really sad!)
Who is already or will start recycling with me?
Friday, September 26, 2008
Boating on Deer Creek
At the beginning of September we went boating for a couple of hours!
I think this is the first time I have been boating on this lake since my boating accident in high school. I hit the metal railing in the front of the boat with the left side of my face really hard and it bruised and chipped my cheekbone, loosened my teeth, bruised my jaw and broke the capillaries in my eye so it was blood red for weeks. (I wonder where that picture is... I will post it if I can find it.) My left cheekbone still has an indention that most people think is a dimple.
I think this is the first time I have been boating on this lake since my boating accident in high school. I hit the metal railing in the front of the boat with the left side of my face really hard and it bruised and chipped my cheekbone, loosened my teeth, bruised my jaw and broke the capillaries in my eye so it was blood red for weeks. (I wonder where that picture is... I will post it if I can find it.) My left cheekbone still has an indention that most people think is a dimple.
This was also Cohen's first time out on a boat!We celebrated Kay's 18th, (I mean 60 something) birthday!
Cohen just chillin' with the birthday boy, Papap Kay!
Cohen strongly disliked the life jacket, surprise, surprise! He doesn't like anything that is restricting in anyway under any terms. Here he is trying to scream loud enough in hopes that it will break the sound barrier that will rip apart the straps to free himself!
Even though it looks like he was miserable the entire time, he really did have fun! I was hesitant because Cohen has a funny reaction to wind... as soon as it touches his face, he holds his breath and acts like he can't breath. It has gotten better and as long as I was holding him and had my back to the wind, he seemed to enjoy the ride.He especially loved feeding the seagulls Doritos.
The lifejacket took over his face! Or were his cheeks just too big?
I think I see this look at least 10,000 times per day...
We got off the boat just in time, it started pouring rain as we got in our car. We had a lot of fun and were sad that Scott couldn't be with us. He was busy working hard on building his company! Good work, Daddy! We love you!Wednesday, September 24, 2008
I like lists... obviously!
I Now Understand...
the pure happiness in hearing the sweet pitter-patter of chubby baby feet all through the house.
the unconditional love of motherhood and the unavoidable guilt that goes along with it.
the complete meaning of "you're driving me INSANE!"
how important it is to truly live in the moment and not in the dream of what you want for the future.
a fraction of what my mom did for me everyday for the past 24+ years.
Joy Is...
finding an unopened can of Dr. Pepper in my honey's truck.
a passionate kiss.
holding hands with Scott and/or Cohen.
having His arms and body wrapped tightly around me, feeling peaceful security.
having my very own baby that I don't have to return to someone.
listening to Cohen's continuous baby babble.
warm summer nights spent talking and cuddling underneath a blanket of stars.
I never want to forget...
the extreme relief of seeing our baby's heart beat on ultrasound and knowing that this time around will be different.
the carefree, exciting and amazing summer Scott and I first shared.
feeling surreal fluttering motions of my baby moving inside me for the first time.
the indescribably incredible experience of bring Cohen into this world and the image in my head of seeing Scott hold our son for the first time.
I wish I had known...
as much as I yearned and ached for this, it would still be the hardest thing I have ever done.
years of trying to conceive and enduring three miscarriages was just the preparation for the lessons ahead, much patients would be needed.
to listen to people when they said, "Just enjoy life right now, it will happen soon enough and everything is different after a baby arrives." Even though I wanted to kick them HARD! in the shin at the time.
I would miss the days of being a newlywed, even though it lasted years and I was eager to move forward with becoming a mommy.
I am thankful I didn't know...
how much sleep I would loose.
how perfectly happy I am the majority of the time because I then would have been even more impatient.
that I would miscarry again even after having Cohen.
how much I miss nursing my baby.
that some lessons may repeat themselves even though you feel like you have learned everything you can from them.
the pure happiness in hearing the sweet pitter-patter of chubby baby feet all through the house.
the unconditional love of motherhood and the unavoidable guilt that goes along with it.
the complete meaning of "you're driving me INSANE!"
how important it is to truly live in the moment and not in the dream of what you want for the future.
a fraction of what my mom did for me everyday for the past 24+ years.
Joy Is...
finding an unopened can of Dr. Pepper in my honey's truck.
a passionate kiss.
holding hands with Scott and/or Cohen.
having His arms and body wrapped tightly around me, feeling peaceful security.
having my very own baby that I don't have to return to someone.
listening to Cohen's continuous baby babble.
warm summer nights spent talking and cuddling underneath a blanket of stars.
I never want to forget...
the extreme relief of seeing our baby's heart beat on ultrasound and knowing that this time around will be different.
the carefree, exciting and amazing summer Scott and I first shared.
feeling surreal fluttering motions of my baby moving inside me for the first time.
the indescribably incredible experience of bring Cohen into this world and the image in my head of seeing Scott hold our son for the first time.
I wish I had known...
as much as I yearned and ached for this, it would still be the hardest thing I have ever done.
years of trying to conceive and enduring three miscarriages was just the preparation for the lessons ahead, much patients would be needed.
to listen to people when they said, "Just enjoy life right now, it will happen soon enough and everything is different after a baby arrives." Even though I wanted to kick them HARD! in the shin at the time.
I would miss the days of being a newlywed, even though it lasted years and I was eager to move forward with becoming a mommy.
I am thankful I didn't know...
how much sleep I would loose.
how perfectly happy I am the majority of the time because I then would have been even more impatient.
that I would miscarry again even after having Cohen.
how much I miss nursing my baby.
that some lessons may repeat themselves even though you feel like you have learned everything you can from them.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Coming soon...PuMpKiN pIe & hOt ApPlE cIDeR!
The first day of fall...
I welcome you.
Summer green leaves transforming their pigments into firey reds, rusty oranges, sun ray yellows yet all too soon fading out and releasing themselves into heaping piles that beg to be jumped in.
I will miss you Summer Sno. You closed before your time.
I will miss the smell of fresh cut grass and the cloudless endlessly blue sky.
I will miss shadows that give welcoming shade.
I will miss the endless choice and flavors of fresh fruits and veggies.
I will miss our long walks at Bridal Veil Falls.
Fortunately seasons come and go and just when I think I won't be able to handle one more chilly murky day the tulips will be sprouting and I will be prematurely wearing shorts and flip flops welcoming the new coming season, Spring!
I welcome you.Summer green leaves transforming their pigments into firey reds, rusty oranges, sun ray yellows yet all too soon fading out and releasing themselves into heaping piles that beg to be jumped in.
I will miss you Summer Sno. You closed before your time.
I will miss the smell of fresh cut grass and the cloudless endlessly blue sky.
I will miss shadows that give welcoming shade.
I will miss the endless choice and flavors of fresh fruits and veggies.
I will miss our long walks at Bridal Veil Falls.
Fortunately seasons come and go and just when I think I won't be able to handle one more chilly murky day the tulips will be sprouting and I will be prematurely wearing shorts and flip flops welcoming the new coming season, Spring!
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Updated! Finally!
I am not generally this lazy about updating our blog! I am so far behind! I have a 12, 13 and 14 month newsletter to write for Cohen that has been haunting me each month that passes. Hopefully I will get to that soon, but for now I wanted to give a "brief" (or I guess my version of brief) update on our current doctors appointment.
We met with my doctor a couple weeks ago and he still didn't have much insight for us. We discussed a theory I had and a couple other questions, but when it came down to it he felt that we have done everything we can, but he said he would double check with the specialist he knows about our specific situation. I was at peace with not doing any further testing because in most cases even if we figured it out, which would be unlikely, we wouldn't be able to do anything about it. When I talked to his nurse a couple weeks later she gave me some information to refer us to the specialist he spoke with. My doctor was out of the office so I am unsure why he thinks it will be worth our time and money to go see this specialist when he had said differently before. So I called and made an appointment for now with the specialist, who is in Centerville, and my appointment is at the end of October. That will give me time to talk to my doctor about the specifics when he is back in the office and to figure out if this is the path I want to go. It almost feels like opening a can of worms because I highly doubt anything will be figured out and I don't know if I want to put myself through more testing, hoping, the unknown, etc. I am leaning towards canceling the appointment, moving forward, keep trying and hope for the best. Thanks so much to everyone who commented, for your thoughts, prayers and support! It means the world to us and it REALLY helps!!! We love you!
Another reason I have been lazy about my blog updating is because I have been engrossed in the fourth book of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series, Breaking Dawn (who hasn't been reading it?)! I had a hard time putting it down! I made the 750+ page book drag on as long as possible, but I still finished it within one week. I was trying to be disciplined about it and clean and take care of Cohen and Scott BEFORE picking up the book each day so some days I only got to read a chapter. Anyway, I really loved it and I want MORE! I hate how the last page says THE END! :)
A couple weeks ago we took Cohen on his first camping trip up to Provo Canyon! We had so much fun and Cohen did a lot better than we thought he would! Here is our awesome camping sight. (Cohen looks so small!)
You give this kid a stick and some dirt and he plays longer than he does with any toy money can buy!
We made delicious tin foil dinners and dutch over peach cobbler with raspberries and ice cream! Oh, YUMMY!!! This is why I love camping... I didn't get a picture of the dinners because I ate it before I could think about anything else. (My mom, my step dad Kay and my nephew Kaden came up for dinner and hung out with us for a couple hours as well. It was so fun having them hang out with us for a while!)
Hanging around the fire roasting marshmallows!
It was freezing the next morning so we bundled up Cohen with many layers! Look at those CHEEKS! Squeeze!
Scott did one of the many things he does best and made a killer breakfast! Pancakes, eggs, bacon and fruit.
I love camping and we hope to go again before it is too cold! It seems like fall is already sneaking up!!!
We met with my doctor a couple weeks ago and he still didn't have much insight for us. We discussed a theory I had and a couple other questions, but when it came down to it he felt that we have done everything we can, but he said he would double check with the specialist he knows about our specific situation. I was at peace with not doing any further testing because in most cases even if we figured it out, which would be unlikely, we wouldn't be able to do anything about it. When I talked to his nurse a couple weeks later she gave me some information to refer us to the specialist he spoke with. My doctor was out of the office so I am unsure why he thinks it will be worth our time and money to go see this specialist when he had said differently before. So I called and made an appointment for now with the specialist, who is in Centerville, and my appointment is at the end of October. That will give me time to talk to my doctor about the specifics when he is back in the office and to figure out if this is the path I want to go. It almost feels like opening a can of worms because I highly doubt anything will be figured out and I don't know if I want to put myself through more testing, hoping, the unknown, etc. I am leaning towards canceling the appointment, moving forward, keep trying and hope for the best. Thanks so much to everyone who commented, for your thoughts, prayers and support! It means the world to us and it REALLY helps!!! We love you!
Another reason I have been lazy about my blog updating is because I have been engrossed in the fourth book of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series, Breaking Dawn (who hasn't been reading it?)! I had a hard time putting it down! I made the 750+ page book drag on as long as possible, but I still finished it within one week. I was trying to be disciplined about it and clean and take care of Cohen and Scott BEFORE picking up the book each day so some days I only got to read a chapter. Anyway, I really loved it and I want MORE! I hate how the last page says THE END! :)
A couple weeks ago we took Cohen on his first camping trip up to Provo Canyon! We had so much fun and Cohen did a lot better than we thought he would! Here is our awesome camping sight. (Cohen looks so small!)
You give this kid a stick and some dirt and he plays longer than he does with any toy money can buy!
We made delicious tin foil dinners and dutch over peach cobbler with raspberries and ice cream! Oh, YUMMY!!! This is why I love camping... I didn't get a picture of the dinners because I ate it before I could think about anything else. (My mom, my step dad Kay and my nephew Kaden came up for dinner and hung out with us for a couple hours as well. It was so fun having them hang out with us for a while!)
Hanging around the fire roasting marshmallows!
It was freezing the next morning so we bundled up Cohen with many layers! Look at those CHEEKS! Squeeze!
Scott did one of the many things he does best and made a killer breakfast! Pancakes, eggs, bacon and fruit.
I love camping and we hope to go again before it is too cold! It seems like fall is already sneaking up!!!
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Another War Wound in the Battle of Pregnancy...
June 27th
We were both very surprised, but extremely relieved with how quickly I became pregnant and excited, SO EXCITED! I was really early, only 3 to 4 weeks pregnant, but I had already had a blood test to have my progesterone level checked and things were looking good. Since we didn't know why we had miscarried the 3 pregnancies before Cohen, as a precaution I had also already been taking baby aspirin to help prevent blood clots.
When I told Scott the news, we were cuddling on top of our roof enjoying a "date" night after Cohen had gone to sleep. I asked him to pick out a star for me and continued with the rest of our family. One for Cohen, one for Izzy, one for Lilly, one for himself... and one for the baby in my tummy! (Cheesy, but he was completely surprised, in disbelief and he loved it!)
The weeks passed and I grew more tired and felt nauseous and had to pee a couple times a night. We were being cautiously optimistic and I had started to let my guard down. The new baby would be due in the beginning of March and I was looking forward to our dating ultrasound on the 14th of July. I would be about 6-7 weeks then...
July 13th
When someone is trying to conceive or is pregnant, the last color they ever want to see is the dark crimson color of blood...
The spotting started out pink.
I tried my best not to worry, but the huge knot deep in my gut made it hard for me to breath. I forced myself to go to sleep anyway, in hopes that the reality of what could be would be lost in my nightmares.
July 14th
I awoke early, before Cohen and knew it wasn't just a nightmare. What was pink the night before was now deep red, but there wasn't very much. It even stopped for a while. I still had hope... I was starting to cramp, but I pushed that out of my mind.
We went in for the ultrasound at noon. Right away we could see a small yolk sack in the center of my uterus.
Hope...
Yet there was no flutter of a tiny heart beating on the screen like I knew there should be, like we saw with our third pregnancy and with our little miracle, Cohen.
The technician said the baby was measuring only 4 weeks. It didn't add up... I should be further along... she said she had seen stranger things.
They sent me down to get a blood test since they couldn't find answers through the ultrasound. They told me to repeat the test in 48 hours to see what the HCG (pregnancy hormone) level was doing. If it kept doubling that would be a good sign. If it went down, then I was miscarrying again.
On the way home from the doctors office the cramping became worse. I was in a lot of pain and didn't have hope anymore. I had been through this before... too many times before. Hadn't I already learned this lesson? I thought we were past this. I thought once my body figured out one pregnancy we wouldn't have any problems...
I went into the bathroom and was extremely saddened to see the huge piece of tissue/blood clot that had come along with the cramping. Another sign pointing toward miscarriage.
I took some pain meds and climbed into bed to try and sleep for a couple hours.
Later that night I passed what I think was the sack we saw in the ultrasound...
I am going for the second blood test tomorrow, but I don't really see any point in it. I guess it will just confirm what I already unfortunately know. Before, I would have tried to talk myself into believing that there is still a possibility, but now I know it is better to accept the reality as soon as possible.
The nurse said they will probably be referring us to another specialist at the University of Utah. We have already seen two specialists for recurrent miscarriages (only about 1% of women experience recurrent miscarriage) before this pregnancy so I am hoping they have some more insight for us. (We also have done a couple different tests, HSG and semen analysis, that never did show any abnormalities.)
I really don't want to keep reliving this! I feel so frustrated with the situation and I am so tired of the extreme let down and emotional roller coaster it all is. I have been pregnant 5 times, FIVE! I am trying to be positive, but statistically the odds are definitely not in our favor. We have less than a 50% chance with future pregnancies being successful. Normal pregnancies are 85-90%. I just don't know how much longer I can do this...
I am so thankful that this time around we have Cohen to ease the pain. It makes me realize how big of a miracle he truly is. He is our greatest blessing!
July 13th
When someone is trying to conceive or is pregnant, the last color they ever want to see is the dark crimson color of blood...
The spotting started out pink.
I tried my best not to worry, but the huge knot deep in my gut made it hard for me to breath. I forced myself to go to sleep anyway, in hopes that the reality of what could be would be lost in my nightmares.
July 14th
I awoke early, before Cohen and knew it wasn't just a nightmare. What was pink the night before was now deep red, but there wasn't very much. It even stopped for a while. I still had hope... I was starting to cramp, but I pushed that out of my mind.
We went in for the ultrasound at noon. Right away we could see a small yolk sack in the center of my uterus.
Hope...
Yet there was no flutter of a tiny heart beating on the screen like I knew there should be, like we saw with our third pregnancy and with our little miracle, Cohen.
The technician said the baby was measuring only 4 weeks. It didn't add up... I should be further along... she said she had seen stranger things.
They sent me down to get a blood test since they couldn't find answers through the ultrasound. They told me to repeat the test in 48 hours to see what the HCG (pregnancy hormone) level was doing. If it kept doubling that would be a good sign. If it went down, then I was miscarrying again.
On the way home from the doctors office the cramping became worse. I was in a lot of pain and didn't have hope anymore. I had been through this before... too many times before. Hadn't I already learned this lesson? I thought we were past this. I thought once my body figured out one pregnancy we wouldn't have any problems...
I went into the bathroom and was extremely saddened to see the huge piece of tissue/blood clot that had come along with the cramping. Another sign pointing toward miscarriage.
I took some pain meds and climbed into bed to try and sleep for a couple hours.
Later that night I passed what I think was the sack we saw in the ultrasound...
I am going for the second blood test tomorrow, but I don't really see any point in it. I guess it will just confirm what I already unfortunately know. Before, I would have tried to talk myself into believing that there is still a possibility, but now I know it is better to accept the reality as soon as possible.
The nurse said they will probably be referring us to another specialist at the University of Utah. We have already seen two specialists for recurrent miscarriages (only about 1% of women experience recurrent miscarriage) before this pregnancy so I am hoping they have some more insight for us. (We also have done a couple different tests, HSG and semen analysis, that never did show any abnormalities.)
I really don't want to keep reliving this! I feel so frustrated with the situation and I am so tired of the extreme let down and emotional roller coaster it all is. I have been pregnant 5 times, FIVE! I am trying to be positive, but statistically the odds are definitely not in our favor. We have less than a 50% chance with future pregnancies being successful. Normal pregnancies are 85-90%. I just don't know how much longer I can do this...
I am so thankful that this time around we have Cohen to ease the pain. It makes me realize how big of a miracle he truly is. He is our greatest blessing!
Monday, June 30, 2008
Weaning and first hair cut!
This last weekend I nursed Cohen for the last time, he is now completely weaned! To my relief it went a lot smoother than I thought it would! It is really bitter sweet because now he is completely his own person. He doesn't need me the way he use to. For the past year I haven't left his side for more than three hours tops (since he never took a bottle). Since I started weaning him I have enjoyed the new freedom with being able to go to dinner with my girlfriends and shopping trips with my mom. It has been good for Scott as well, I think he has enjoyed being able to comfort Cohen when I am not around and this has definitely brought them closer. Cohen just loves his daddy and is so excited when he comes home from work!Cohen also got his first haircut today! This morning my friend Jen offered to trim it up, this was something I have been wanting to do for a couple months now. He was getting a mean mullet! And it wasn't an ordinary mullet, it was all uneven and just long on the sides and the center was shorter. I was so worried about making it look worse that I hadn't tried it myself. He looks so cute (well it looks messy in the picture above, but it looks cute when it's done!) My baby is growing up so fast! Time for another one, I guess... :)
Monday, May 12, 2008
My First Mother's Day!
I had such a great first Mother's Day! Scott let me sleep in and he also made me a delicious breakfast in bed and gave me a gift from him and Cohen! That afternoon we spent time with my family and celebrated my mom and what an amazing mother she is. I also went on a walk with my fur babies and Cohen in the beautiful summer weather!I was so excited to be celebrating this holiday as a mom! There were so many years for me that it was bitter sweet, where I tried to focus on my mom and all that she has done for me, but saddened by the miscarriages we had had. And now I am so thankful to be a mommy to my beautiful baby boy! I love being a mother, there is truly nothing I would rather being doing more at this point in my life than spending each day with Cohen. Happy Mother's Day to all of the Moms and Mommy-to-be out there!
Cohen with his Grandmommy and my wonderful Mom and friend! Happy Mother's Day, again Mom!
Cohen with his Grandmommy and my wonderful Mom and friend! Happy Mother's Day, again Mom!
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