This picture and this story is so personal to me.
I thought about not sharing... not this time,
but then I figured most of the people that spend their time reading this is either family or a close friend and I would tell them if they asked about it anyway.
Besides, it therapeutic for me to write down what I want to forget so I feel safe not thinking about it. So here it goes again.
It was October 5th, the night we returned home from the Ranch.
I took a test.
Double lines... It was positive!
I held my breath...
Two blood tests later to check my levels and everything looked good so all there was left to do was wait...
I stayed down and rested as much as possible for over two long long weeks and tried not to hope, to want or to think.
On October 21st we had an ultrasound.
To our pure joy and excitement, all was well...
The beautiful "woosh woosh woosh"
sound of our unborn babies heartbeat filled the room.
We were told the estimated due date, June 15th, two days after Cohen turns two!
Our baby was 6 weeks and 1 day and counting...
By 7 weeks the nausea had hit me and I had been needing a nap everyday. I was reserved but since we had seen everything had started out perfect, I felt safe.
8 weeks passed. Everything seemed to be going just like it should.
I had told my family and a couple close friends and we were planning on telling Scott's family when we went to visit at Thanksgiving.
I started dreaming about this baby... I felt really strongly that it was another boy.
I was so excited to be having another baby!
*
*
*
I had a scare with Cohen but the spotting immediately stopped, unlike my other four pregnancies.
When I saw the pink, just like every pregnancy before, my heart dropped and I was completely terrified I would loose my perfect baby. The baby whose heartbeat "wooshed" throughout the room just over two weeks ago.
I text Scott that he should come home as soon as he could.
I felt like I needed to see what was going on so we scheduled an ultrasound for that night.
I stayed down like I had been doing for the last month and hoped that they could see what was causing the bleeding.
We dropped Cohen off to my mom and Kay and headed to the hospital. The spotting was still really light so I really didn't expect what would happen next.
We waited impatiently for almost an hour with my bladder full and I was feeling really nauseous and kept staring at the bathroom door hoping I wouldn't have to run in there.
Finally they called us for the ultrasound.
The tech squeezed the warm jelly on my stomach and asked how far along I should be and what pregnancy this is for me.
9th week, 6th pregnancy.
*
*
*
When he started acting weird we thought maybe he didn't know what he was doing...
He said he was looking for an ectopic pregnancy because sometimes they worry about that at this stage.
I told him we already saw the heartbeat and the baby had been right were it should be.
"Oh," he said. Then kept moving the wand around on my abdomen.
I couldn't see the screen so I kept looking to Scott for any clue on what was going on... he just looked at me with a worried expression and said he can't tell what he is looking at and leaned in closer.
I still didn't get it.
The tech then said, "I would have let you listen to the heartbeat already if..." He then said he couldn't see anything in the sac...then he mumbled something about making sure he got all the pictures he needed, he would go double check and to not clean the jelly off my stomach and he left the room.
It hit me then.
No heartbeat?
NOTHING IN THE SAC?
How could that be? How could that be when it is SUPPOSE TO BE!?!
The emotional surge that hits when you get truly unexpected bad news is purely overwhelming.
I laid there staring into the one persons eyes that could most closely understand the complete devastation I was once again feeling.
Then I became hysterical. No other way to put it.
I couldn't breath, my chest was so heavy!
I couldn't feel, the pain was too strong!
I was shaking, I was tingly.
I couldn't form many words other than "NO, WHY! I don't want to...I can't..."
My baby had been so perfect! We saw it, we heard its heart!
Why did it die...!?!
We couldn't get back to Cohen soon enough...
When I finally reached my baby, my only baby, I grabbed him and held him tight and cried. He looked at me and put his hand on my face and he started to cry with me.
Saturday was our 5th anniversary. I laid in bed most of the day, sleeping when I could, while Scott took care of Cohen and I. I thought about how ironic it was being in the middle of our 5th miscarriage on our 5th anniversary.
Thankfully my mom also came to lighten the load on Scott to help clean and cook. She also took Cohen for a little while that evening so Scott and I could have some time alone.
We drove up the canyon and then to the temple and sat by the spot that he proposed to me in. He let me feel the anger and frustration and let me cope in the best way I could. I wanted to pray, but felt too weak and betrayed. Scott gave me a blessing of comfort and even though I wanted to understand and was angry I couldn't, the feeling of peace since then has helped me move forward.
I can't imagine going through this trial with anyone other than Scott. He is strong for me when I need him to be and he vents with me when I need it. He gives me plenty of time to work through the sadness and anger and grief until I can get to the point of acceptance.
I have learned the sooner I can accept it the better. I wish more than anything right now that I could turn back time to the ultrasound and he would find a strong heartbeat and that everything looked great. I wish we were still expecting that little baby, I thought would be a boy. I wish we could share our happy news and plans for this upcoming June.
But, that isn't reality for me anymore.
Sometimes life just plain sucks and there isn't much you can do about it, but breath and sleep and eat when possible and breath.
This miscarriage has been really hard physically. I feel a lot like I did after having Cohen, (except without the stitches and lactating.) I am starting to feel a little better today.
I think I have cried all the tears that will come, for now.
I thought about not sharing... not this time,
but then I figured most of the people that spend their time reading this is either family or a close friend and I would tell them if they asked about it anyway.
Besides, it therapeutic for me to write down what I want to forget so I feel safe not thinking about it. So here it goes again.
It was October 5th, the night we returned home from the Ranch.
I took a test.
Double lines... It was positive!
I held my breath...
Two blood tests later to check my levels and everything looked good so all there was left to do was wait...
I stayed down and rested as much as possible for over two long long weeks and tried not to hope, to want or to think.
On October 21st we had an ultrasound.
To our pure joy and excitement, all was well...
The beautiful "woosh woosh woosh"
sound of our unborn babies heartbeat filled the room.
We were told the estimated due date, June 15th, two days after Cohen turns two!
Our baby was 6 weeks and 1 day and counting...
By 7 weeks the nausea had hit me and I had been needing a nap everyday. I was reserved but since we had seen everything had started out perfect, I felt safe.8 weeks passed. Everything seemed to be going just like it should.
I had told my family and a couple close friends and we were planning on telling Scott's family when we went to visit at Thanksgiving.
I started dreaming about this baby... I felt really strongly that it was another boy.
I was so excited to be having another baby!
*
*
*
I had a scare with Cohen but the spotting immediately stopped, unlike my other four pregnancies.
When I saw the pink, just like every pregnancy before, my heart dropped and I was completely terrified I would loose my perfect baby. The baby whose heartbeat "wooshed" throughout the room just over two weeks ago.
I text Scott that he should come home as soon as he could.
I felt like I needed to see what was going on so we scheduled an ultrasound for that night.
I stayed down like I had been doing for the last month and hoped that they could see what was causing the bleeding.
We dropped Cohen off to my mom and Kay and headed to the hospital. The spotting was still really light so I really didn't expect what would happen next.
We waited impatiently for almost an hour with my bladder full and I was feeling really nauseous and kept staring at the bathroom door hoping I wouldn't have to run in there.
Finally they called us for the ultrasound.
The tech squeezed the warm jelly on my stomach and asked how far along I should be and what pregnancy this is for me.
9th week, 6th pregnancy.
*
*
*
When he started acting weird we thought maybe he didn't know what he was doing...
He said he was looking for an ectopic pregnancy because sometimes they worry about that at this stage.
I told him we already saw the heartbeat and the baby had been right were it should be.
"Oh," he said. Then kept moving the wand around on my abdomen.
I couldn't see the screen so I kept looking to Scott for any clue on what was going on... he just looked at me with a worried expression and said he can't tell what he is looking at and leaned in closer.
I still didn't get it.
The tech then said, "I would have let you listen to the heartbeat already if..." He then said he couldn't see anything in the sac...then he mumbled something about making sure he got all the pictures he needed, he would go double check and to not clean the jelly off my stomach and he left the room.
It hit me then.
No heartbeat?
NOTHING IN THE SAC?
How could that be? How could that be when it is SUPPOSE TO BE!?!
The emotional surge that hits when you get truly unexpected bad news is purely overwhelming.
I laid there staring into the one persons eyes that could most closely understand the complete devastation I was once again feeling.
Then I became hysterical. No other way to put it.
I couldn't breath, my chest was so heavy!
I couldn't feel, the pain was too strong!
I was shaking, I was tingly.
I couldn't form many words other than "NO, WHY! I don't want to...I can't..."
My baby had been so perfect! We saw it, we heard its heart!
Why did it die...!?!
We couldn't get back to Cohen soon enough...
When I finally reached my baby, my only baby, I grabbed him and held him tight and cried. He looked at me and put his hand on my face and he started to cry with me.
Saturday was our 5th anniversary. I laid in bed most of the day, sleeping when I could, while Scott took care of Cohen and I. I thought about how ironic it was being in the middle of our 5th miscarriage on our 5th anniversary.
Thankfully my mom also came to lighten the load on Scott to help clean and cook. She also took Cohen for a little while that evening so Scott and I could have some time alone.
We drove up the canyon and then to the temple and sat by the spot that he proposed to me in. He let me feel the anger and frustration and let me cope in the best way I could. I wanted to pray, but felt too weak and betrayed. Scott gave me a blessing of comfort and even though I wanted to understand and was angry I couldn't, the feeling of peace since then has helped me move forward.
I can't imagine going through this trial with anyone other than Scott. He is strong for me when I need him to be and he vents with me when I need it. He gives me plenty of time to work through the sadness and anger and grief until I can get to the point of acceptance.
I have learned the sooner I can accept it the better. I wish more than anything right now that I could turn back time to the ultrasound and he would find a strong heartbeat and that everything looked great. I wish we were still expecting that little baby, I thought would be a boy. I wish we could share our happy news and plans for this upcoming June.
But, that isn't reality for me anymore.
Sometimes life just plain sucks and there isn't much you can do about it, but breath and sleep and eat when possible and breath.
This miscarriage has been really hard physically. I feel a lot like I did after having Cohen, (except without the stitches and lactating.) I am starting to feel a little better today.
I think I have cried all the tears that will come, for now.
10 comments:
Oh Alicia...I am so sorry. I don't even know what to say. Just know that I love and you and your family are in my prayers.
Alicia. I don't even know what to say. I know that the Lord is helping you get through this. He loves you so much and knows exactly how you feel, hard to imagine but He does. Keep moving forward!! I love you and admire you for your strength!! We are praying for you!
alicia I am so sorry. I can't even imagine the pain you are going through. You are such an amazing and strong woman, i am sorry you are not getting any answers.
I am SO Sorry Alicia. Your sweet little family is in our prayers!
I want you to know I am thinking of you constantly. If I can do anything please let me know. Love ya
I am so sorry to hear. You deserve the best and it will come! I know it will. I will pray for you meanwhile...love ya cuz.
In all this sadness - in all the pain that comes through in your words - what stuck out to me the most was what an amazing family you have. What a wonderful husband you have by your side and a sweet, sweet little boy who is so in tune with his loving mother that he shares her pain and her tears.
Such sadness, but such overwhelming love and joy at the same time. If most families shared even a tenth of the bond that is so obviously shared by the three of you... well they would be lucky to say the least.
Alicia, I am so so so sorry. I can't even begin to understand what you are going through. I love you so much, and just wish I was close to give you a huge hug. It's not fair that this keeps happening to one of the sweetest people I know. I didn't call because I didn't know if you wanted to talk, but please know I am here.
Alisha, I hope you know how much you mean to Regan and I. We feel your sorrow and cry with you. I wish that we didn't have to go through these trials to learn to be more like our Heavenly Father. Sometimes it completely does not make any sense. But I have learned that there is a purpose for our suffering. I hope that you find it for yourself. I love you so much!
Who would have thought that the little boy always tagging behind Steph and Tracy would be such a strong man for you. We love you and we will pray and pray for you.
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