Happy Thanksgiving!

Warm California wishes for the holidays!

Green Family
Tracy, ME, SCOTT, COHEN, Andrew, Nate, Mom and Dad, Kya, Mia, Michelle with Jada, Joe "Cool", Zoe, Stephanie with Jimmy and Mike with William!

We have been in southern California for the past week spending time with all of Scott's family! We have had so much fun going to the beach, DISNEYLAND, seeing Twilight (FINALLY!), shopping, Tracy did my hair (YEAH!) and most of all being thankful for family and having fun together! We have all been staying in one house so the chaos is, well highly chaotic!
More pictures to come...

Follow up doctors appointment....

I just got back from my follow up appointment with my doctor (as the title would give away). I am feeling so sad, I just don't know where to go from here...

He gave me comfort through his empathetic smile and body language, but nothing he said could help because he just doesn't know why or what we can do. He didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. He said where each of my 5 miscarriages have been so early, statistically it would be chromosome abnormalities. Once we saw the heartbeat we should have been good from there. They would worry about my progesterone if I had been further along or they would test for a blood clotting disorder, but generally that is for second trimester losses. But again, it has just been so early...
I had him order several blood tests for me for a new place I am going to go to. My mom has referred a lot of clients to a natural hormone replacement center called Wellnique. They also help men, women and children with everything you can imagine with homeopathics and herbs. My sister-in-law Michelle also told me she has heard they have helped many, many women who can't get pregnant to conceive so I am hoping they can help me stay pregnant since we have been lucky these last few times to conceive so quickly. Before these last two miscarriages, I use to be more afraid of it taking us a long time than I was about miscarrying since it took us a year inbetween our first and second miscarriages. Now I am just really scared about getting pregnant again. I want to try again, but I feel like we are playing Russian Roulette with a bullet in every spot but one instead of only one bullet total.
I know we will move forward from here because our desire and hope is still stronger than our fear and weakness, I just pray it doesn't come to a day where we are too weak and beaten down to continue. That we stop trying to have children by choice because we are done and not because we can no longer hope.

Blessings in Disguise?

So we packed up and headed to Park City on Friday night with our little Cohen, excited to get away for a night of pizza, swimming, movies in bed and fun.
We checked in and had the smaller (normal sized) room this time. As we were unloading we realized we (I) forgot the porta-crib! Well, we would just let the little restless sleeper sleep in between us and hopefully get some actual sleeping in.
When we got to the room Cohen was really really whiny because he didn't have much of a nap that day so we ordered pizza and kept him busy until it was time to head up to the floor to get it. We passed the pool on the way and it looked like it was closed for service but they said it would reopen in an hour and a half. So we got our pizza and went back to the room and hung out and ran around the cubical for the next hour and then got into our swim suits. I was excited to take Cohen swimming to wear him out! I called down to the front desk and they informed me that the pool would actually be closed the rest of the night for maintenance! AHHH! We had two plus hours until he would hopefully go to sleep and who knows if he will sleep with us, and nothing to do so we called the front desk back and told them that was the reason for our stay was to swim with our son. I told them we would prefer to check out and use our prepaid night another time. Reluctantly, they let us.
So we drove home in time to put Cohen down in his own bed. The frustration and let down of the night went along with the rest of the week before, but then I thought that maybe there is a reason it all turned out like it did. Maybe something would have happened if we had stayed, something worse than just a pool being closed and a grumpy child with out a crib. I like to understand most everything that goes on around me so when I don't have an answer it drives me insane. Even when we watch a movie I always have lots of questions and Scott just tells me not to worry about it if he doesn't have the answer.
We were passing through Heber and came so close to hitting a cat that I about had a heart attack. After that I, for some reason, started thinking about how sometimes the annoyances and road blocks in life could actually be protecting us from harder trials. That they may be blessings in disguise.

!!!Trans-Siberian Orchestra!!!

So I got another chance to blog...

Last night Scott and I went to the

It was so so amazing! We went with my mom and Kay, my two sisters, Missy and Chantelle and two of my mom's friends. We also went to dinner before hand.
This was the first time we left Cohen with a babysitter to feed him dinner and put him down and everything and he did great! We really liked the girl who my sister-in-law Michelle referred from her ward, Megan. It is really nice to have someone you feel comfortable leaving your most precious "possession" with. We have left him with my mom and sister, but it is nice to not have to bug my family when we want to go out.
Anyway, the show, like I said, is completely amazing! My mom went to it last year and kept raving about it and said if anyone is ever going to see a concert, this is the show to see!
The first half went a little slow because they tell a Christmas story, but the last half I could barely sit still, well I didn't sit still! I just wanted to dance and bounce all over to the incredible festive music! These people are so of the best musicians in the world, you can feel like excitement and passion in what they do and it makes you want to run out and buy an electric violin and play your heart away! Although, with my experience with piano and guitar lessons, I never really stuck to it... I still have my guitar.
Anyway, there is also a fabulous (I got sick of saying incredible and amazing) light and FIRE show that plays up the beats.
Click here for a small taste Trans-Siberian Orchestra
Before dinner we had parked in a lot next to the restaurant and across the street from the E Center. After the show we booked it out of the building hoping to beat traffic to get home by 11pm for Megan.
(WARNING: RANT AHEAD)
Well, we didn't notice the tiny signs clear up on the polls, spaced far apart in the dark that said "Hotel Parking Only". We ran when we saw people towing the car next to ours. We went to hop in our car for a quick get away when the towing guy shouted that we had a boot on our car! We didn't see a boot, but he said, "It's there!" It was ONE HUNDRED AND TEN freaking dollars CASH to remove the "boot." "Conveniently" there was an ATM on the other side of the building so Scott ran around to get the money. ATMs only give $20 dollar bills, nothing smaller and again "conveniently" A+ Towing doesn't carry change either. So Scott and I by this time are extremely annoyed about the cost, the delay and how rude the idiots from A+ Towing were. They guy takes his sweet time writing out a receipt, gladly takes the extra ten dollars and then walks around the car and says we can go. Scott just about flipped a lit when he realized the liar had never even gotten around to actually booting our car. The guys completely lied about it being there and when we confronted them about it the owner said he had already removed it! We had all been standing right there and no one had removed anything. Kay and my mom came over and talked to them with us and gave them a 10 so we could at least get our 20 back. Kay is the former Utah County Distric Attorney and he was trying to talk to them about the situation, but the owner just lied right to Kay's face and said he did actually remove the boot. We told them they are running a dishonest business and they will be hearing from us.
We understand that we were in the wrong about parking there, but they were sleezy and dishonest in their actions. I don't know if we will be able to do anything about it, but I feel better that we got out 10 bucks back, I didn't want to give them a penny more than I had too. The entire thing kind of took away the Christmas spirit we were feeling, but now I feel all excited about the upcoming holidays so they couldn't take that away from us permanently! :)
So, to make a short story long, we finally got home at midnight.
Since we didn't do anything for our very special 5 year anniversary we considered that our celebration night. We are also going back to Park City tonight, with Cohen this time! I am excited to take him swimming! Hopefully he likes it more this time than he did last...

Also, one more thing! I just want to say how FREAKING EXCITED I am for TWILIGHT the movie! It is coming out in just one week from now! I have been rereading the book in preperation (which will sound completely weird and obsessive to anyone who isn't a Twilight fan) and cannot wait!!!

I just wanted to take a second and thank everyone for their loving support and encouraging words. I am so thankful for friends and family that I can reach out to, even through a blog.

I am feeling so much better physically. I feel "normal" again, whatever that means. Going from being pregnant and sick and tired for a couple months to suddenly feeling great is weird. It makes me realize how hard pregnancy really is on your body. So, everyone who is expecting or recently had a baby, which is a lot of you, good job! It isn't easy, to say the least!

My little monkey is climbing on me so I have to come to an end... but first can I just tell you how thankful I am for this miracle of mine!I have truly been blessed to have had this beautiful boy 17 months ago!
It has been a week now since we found out about our fifth angel. Sometimes when you are in the depths of sorrow the negative feelings take over and you can't and/or don't want to see the blessings you already have. Today I can feel purely thankful for my little Cohen.

There is so much more I want to write, hopefully I will get to it later this weekend!

Unfortunately, I have another story to tell...

This picture and this story is so personal to me.
I thought about not sharing... not this time,
but then I figured most of the people that spend their time reading this is either family or a close friend and I would tell them if they asked about it anyway.
Besides, it therapeutic for me to write down what I want to forget so I feel safe not thinking about it. So here it goes again.

It was October 5th, the night we returned home from the Ranch.
I took a test.
Double lines... It was positive!
I held my breath...
Two blood tests later to check my levels and everything looked good so all there was left to do was wait...
I stayed down and rested as much as possible for over two long long weeks and tried not to hope, to want or to think.

On October 21st we had an ultrasound.
To our pure joy and excitement, all was well...
The beautiful "woosh woosh woosh"
sound of our unborn babies heartbeat filled the room.
We were told the estimated due date, June 15th, two days after Cohen turns two!
Our baby was 6 weeks and 1 day and counting...
By 7 weeks the nausea had hit me and I had been needing a nap everyday. I was reserved but since we had seen everything had started out perfect, I felt safe.

8 weeks passed. Everything seemed to be going just like it should.
I had told my family and a couple close friends and we were planning on telling Scott's family when we went to visit at Thanksgiving.
I started dreaming about this baby... I felt really strongly that it was another boy.
I was so excited to be having another baby!

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I had a scare with Cohen but the spotting immediately stopped, unlike my other four pregnancies.
When I saw the pink, just like every pregnancy before, my heart dropped and I was completely terrified I would loose my perfect baby. The baby whose heartbeat "wooshed" throughout the room just over two weeks ago.
I text Scott that he should come home as soon as he could.
I felt like I needed to see what was going on so we scheduled an ultrasound for that night.
I stayed down like I had been doing for the last month and hoped that they could see what was causing the bleeding.
We dropped Cohen off to my mom and Kay and headed to the hospital. The spotting was still really light so I really didn't expect what would happen next.

We waited impatiently for almost an hour with my bladder full and I was feeling really nauseous and kept staring at the bathroom door hoping I wouldn't have to run in there.
Finally they called us for the ultrasound.
The tech squeezed the warm jelly on my stomach and asked how far along I should be and what pregnancy this is for me.
9th week, 6th pregnancy.

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When he started acting weird we thought maybe he didn't know what he was doing...
He said he was looking for an ectopic pregnancy because sometimes they worry about that at this stage.
I told him we already saw the heartbeat and the baby had been right were it should be.
"Oh," he said. Then kept moving the wand around on my abdomen.
I couldn't see the screen so I kept looking to Scott for any clue on what was going on... he just looked at me with a worried expression and said he can't tell what he is looking at and leaned in closer.
I still didn't get it.
The tech then said, "I would have let you listen to the heartbeat already if..." He then said he couldn't see anything in the sac...then he mumbled something about making sure he got all the pictures he needed, he would go double check and to not clean the jelly off my stomach and he left the room.
It hit me then.

No heartbeat?
NOTHING IN THE SAC?
How could that be? How could that be when it is SUPPOSE TO BE!?!
The emotional surge that hits when you get truly unexpected bad news is purely overwhelming.
I laid there staring into the one persons eyes that could most closely understand the complete devastation I was once again feeling.
Then I became hysterical. No other way to put it.
I couldn't breath, my chest was so heavy!
I couldn't feel, the pain was too strong!
I was shaking, I was tingly.
I couldn't form many words other than "NO, WHY! I don't want to...I can't..."
My baby had been so perfect! We saw it, we heard its heart!
Why did it die...!?!

We couldn't get back to Cohen soon enough...
When I finally reached my baby, my only baby, I grabbed him and held him tight and cried. He looked at me and put his hand on my face and he started to cry with me.

Saturday was our 5th anniversary. I laid in bed most of the day, sleeping when I could, while Scott took care of Cohen and I. I thought about how ironic it was being in the middle of our 5th miscarriage on our 5th anniversary.
Thankfully my mom also came to lighten the load on Scott to help clean and cook. She also took Cohen for a little while that evening so Scott and I could have some time alone.
We drove up the canyon and then to the temple and sat by the spot that he proposed to me in. He let me feel the anger and frustration and let me cope in the best way I could. I wanted to pray, but felt too weak and betrayed. Scott gave me a blessing of comfort and even though I wanted to understand and was angry I couldn't, the feeling of peace since then has helped me move forward.
I can't imagine going through this trial with anyone other than Scott. He is strong for me when I need him to be and he vents with me when I need it. He gives me plenty of time to work through the sadness and anger and grief until I can get to the point of acceptance.
I have learned the sooner I can accept it the better. I wish more than anything right now that I could turn back time to the ultrasound and he would find a strong heartbeat and that everything looked great. I wish we were still expecting that little baby, I thought would be a boy. I wish we could share our happy news and plans for this upcoming June.
But, that isn't reality for me anymore.
Sometimes life just plain sucks and there isn't much you can do about it, but breath and sleep and eat when possible and breath.
This miscarriage has been really hard physically. I feel a lot like I did after having Cohen, (except without the stitches and lactating.) I am starting to feel a little better today.
I think I have cried all the tears that will come, for now.