When I told Scott the news, we were cuddling on top of our roof enjoying a "date" night after Cohen had gone to sleep. I asked him to pick out a star for me and continued with the rest of our family. One for Cohen, one for Izzy, one for Lilly, one for himself... and one for the baby in my tummy! (Cheesy, but he was completely surprised, in disbelief and he loved it!)
The weeks passed and I grew more tired and felt nauseous and had to pee a couple times a night. We were being cautiously optimistic and I had started to let my guard down. The new baby would be due in the beginning of March and I was looking forward to our dating ultrasound on the 14th of July. I would be about 6-7 weeks then...
July 13th
When someone is trying to conceive or is pregnant, the last color they ever want to see is the dark crimson color of blood...
The spotting started out pink.
I tried my best not to worry, but the huge knot deep in my gut made it hard for me to breath. I forced myself to go to sleep anyway, in hopes that the reality of what could be would be lost in my nightmares.
July 14th
I awoke early, before Cohen and knew it wasn't just a nightmare. What was pink the night before was now deep red, but there wasn't very much. It even stopped for a while. I still had hope... I was starting to cramp, but I pushed that out of my mind.
We went in for the ultrasound at noon. Right away we could see a small yolk sack in the center of my uterus.
Hope...
Yet there was no flutter of a tiny heart beating on the screen like I knew there should be, like we saw with our third pregnancy and with our little miracle, Cohen.
The technician said the baby was measuring only 4 weeks. It didn't add up... I should be further along... she said she had seen stranger things.
They sent me down to get a blood test since they couldn't find answers through the ultrasound. They told me to repeat the test in 48 hours to see what the HCG (pregnancy hormone) level was doing. If it kept doubling that would be a good sign. If it went down, then I was miscarrying again.
On the way home from the doctors office the cramping became worse. I was in a lot of pain and didn't have hope anymore. I had been through this before... too many times before. Hadn't I already learned this lesson? I thought we were past this. I thought once my body figured out one pregnancy we wouldn't have any problems...
I went into the bathroom and was extremely saddened to see the huge piece of tissue/blood clot that had come along with the cramping. Another sign pointing toward miscarriage.
I took some pain meds and climbed into bed to try and sleep for a couple hours.
Later that night I passed what I think was the sack we saw in the ultrasound...
I am going for the second blood test tomorrow, but I don't really see any point in it. I guess it will just confirm what I already unfortunately know. Before, I would have tried to talk myself into believing that there is still a possibility, but now I know it is better to accept the reality as soon as possible.
The nurse said they will probably be referring us to another specialist at the University of Utah. We have already seen two specialists for recurrent miscarriages (only about 1% of women experience recurrent miscarriage) before this pregnancy so I am hoping they have some more insight for us. (We also have done a couple different tests, HSG and semen analysis, that never did show any abnormalities.)
I really don't want to keep reliving this! I feel so frustrated with the situation and I am so tired of the extreme let down and emotional roller coaster it all is. I have been pregnant 5 times, FIVE! I am trying to be positive, but statistically the odds are definitely not in our favor. We have less than a 50% chance with future pregnancies being successful. Normal pregnancies are 85-90%. I just don't know how much longer I can do this...
I am so thankful that this time around we have Cohen to ease the pain. It makes me realize how big of a miracle he truly is. He is our greatest blessing!
July 13th
When someone is trying to conceive or is pregnant, the last color they ever want to see is the dark crimson color of blood...
The spotting started out pink.
I tried my best not to worry, but the huge knot deep in my gut made it hard for me to breath. I forced myself to go to sleep anyway, in hopes that the reality of what could be would be lost in my nightmares.
July 14th
I awoke early, before Cohen and knew it wasn't just a nightmare. What was pink the night before was now deep red, but there wasn't very much. It even stopped for a while. I still had hope... I was starting to cramp, but I pushed that out of my mind.
We went in for the ultrasound at noon. Right away we could see a small yolk sack in the center of my uterus.
Hope...
Yet there was no flutter of a tiny heart beating on the screen like I knew there should be, like we saw with our third pregnancy and with our little miracle, Cohen.
The technician said the baby was measuring only 4 weeks. It didn't add up... I should be further along... she said she had seen stranger things.
They sent me down to get a blood test since they couldn't find answers through the ultrasound. They told me to repeat the test in 48 hours to see what the HCG (pregnancy hormone) level was doing. If it kept doubling that would be a good sign. If it went down, then I was miscarrying again.
On the way home from the doctors office the cramping became worse. I was in a lot of pain and didn't have hope anymore. I had been through this before... too many times before. Hadn't I already learned this lesson? I thought we were past this. I thought once my body figured out one pregnancy we wouldn't have any problems...
I went into the bathroom and was extremely saddened to see the huge piece of tissue/blood clot that had come along with the cramping. Another sign pointing toward miscarriage.
I took some pain meds and climbed into bed to try and sleep for a couple hours.
Later that night I passed what I think was the sack we saw in the ultrasound...
I am going for the second blood test tomorrow, but I don't really see any point in it. I guess it will just confirm what I already unfortunately know. Before, I would have tried to talk myself into believing that there is still a possibility, but now I know it is better to accept the reality as soon as possible.
The nurse said they will probably be referring us to another specialist at the University of Utah. We have already seen two specialists for recurrent miscarriages (only about 1% of women experience recurrent miscarriage) before this pregnancy so I am hoping they have some more insight for us. (We also have done a couple different tests, HSG and semen analysis, that never did show any abnormalities.)
I really don't want to keep reliving this! I feel so frustrated with the situation and I am so tired of the extreme let down and emotional roller coaster it all is. I have been pregnant 5 times, FIVE! I am trying to be positive, but statistically the odds are definitely not in our favor. We have less than a 50% chance with future pregnancies being successful. Normal pregnancies are 85-90%. I just don't know how much longer I can do this...
I am so thankful that this time around we have Cohen to ease the pain. It makes me realize how big of a miracle he truly is. He is our greatest blessing!
13 comments:
Oh Alicia I am so sorry. I can't even imagaine the pain you guys are feeling. You are in my prayers.
Oh Alicia! I'm so sorry, that's terrible. Though it's a good sign that there wasn't a heart beat, that means your body was doing what it's supposed to do, not getting rid of a perfectly good fetus. I read somewhere that half of all sperm aren't "complete" and so if the woman gets pregnant with one of those then the fertilized egg won't develop.
Not that anything will make this less hard or less heartbreaking, but it's nice to look at any little thing that can give you hope. Cohen sure is cute, and I know you guys are meant to have more kids! Let me know how things go!
Oh Alicia! I'm so sorry to hear about the miscarriage. Don't give up trying; I know you will have more kids. We love you and have you in our prayers. Please let us know if there is anything we can do for you.
Oh Alicia! We are so sorry to hear this. We will keep you and your little family in our prayers!
We are so sorry to hear the news, Squisha. Your blog literally put me in tears. We are praying for you. Cohen truly is a blessing and will get you through this. Let us know if we can help in any way.
I am so sorry. I know you have heard this before. I couldn't help but cry while I read. You are such a trooper! I don't konw exactly how you feel, but having lost a full term one I can feel some pain for you. Keep your head up. Heavenly Father will bless you I know it! At least you didn't get to 37 weeks and THEN loose it. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ know you and love you. They will be the ones to bring you peace and comfort. I love you! Thanks for sharing this with us.
Alicia, I'm so sorry to hear this, I can't even imagine. Hang in there, it will all work out how it's supposed to. You are such an amazing mommy and have such an adorable little boy!! We are thinking of you guys, you will be in our prayers
I hope that message didn't seem rude. I didn't mean for it to sound like you don't have reason to mourn becasue you didn't loose it at 37 weeks...am I digging myslef a grave yet? I truly am sorry for your loss and am praying for you. I can't imagine going through what you have. What an example!! I look up to you in that respect.
We're praying for you Alicia. I'm sorry to hear the news. I can't imagine what it would feel like. Thanks for sharing with us. Your little Cohen is so cute!
Oh wow.. Alicia.. you are one tough woman.. seriously.. what a comfort it is to know that the Lord will never put us through a trial that we can't endure.. BUT it sure doesn't make it easier! Thank you for sharing this story.. you have always been an example to me of strength! Love you girl.. we need to get together soon!
Sweetie! I am so very sorry. This is completely unimaginable! I am glad that you do have Cohen and know that there is a small amount of hope out there. I wish you the best! You are in my thoughts!
Oh Alicia, I'm so sorry for all that you and Scott have been through! I can't even imagine how hard it must be. I hope you can find some comfort during this difficult time. You, Scott, and Cohen are in my thoughts and prayers!
I know you have many around you who love you and are there for you, but if there is ever anything I can help with or do for you guys please let me know!
Love ya!
-Kristina
I was excited to see that you left a comment on our blog and have wanted to say "hi" to you for forever because I never see you. I was saddened by your recent blog entry and I'm so sorry about everything. It made me appreciate the miracle of birth and reminds me to never complain about being pregnant when really it is such a wonderful thing! Hope to see you guys soon!
Steph Gunn
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