When I told Scott the news, we were cuddling on top of our roof enjoying a "date" night after Cohen had gone to sleep. I asked him to pick out a star for me and continued with the rest of our family. One for Cohen, one for Izzy, one for Lilly, one for himself... and one for the baby in my tummy! (Cheesy, but he was completely surprised, in disbelief and he loved it!)
The weeks passed and I grew more tired and felt nauseous and had to pee a couple times a night. We were being cautiously optimistic and I had started to let my guard down. The new baby would be due in the beginning of March and I was looking forward to our dating ultrasound on the 14th of July. I would be about 6-7 weeks then...
July 13th
When someone is trying to conceive or is pregnant, the last color they ever want to see is the dark crimson color of blood...
The spotting started out pink.
I tried my best not to worry, but the huge knot deep in my gut made it hard for me to breath. I forced myself to go to sleep anyway, in hopes that the reality of what could be would be lost in my nightmares.
July 14th
I awoke early, before Cohen and knew it wasn't just a nightmare. What was pink the night before was now deep red, but there wasn't very much. It even stopped for a while. I still had hope... I was starting to cramp, but I pushed that out of my mind.
We went in for the ultrasound at noon. Right away we could see a small yolk sack in the center of my uterus.
Hope...
Yet there was no flutter of a tiny heart beating on the screen like I knew there should be, like we saw with our third pregnancy and with our little miracle, Cohen.
The technician said the baby was measuring only 4 weeks. It didn't add up... I should be further along... she said she had seen stranger things.
They sent me down to get a blood test since they couldn't find answers through the ultrasound. They told me to repeat the test in 48 hours to see what the HCG (pregnancy hormone) level was doing. If it kept doubling that would be a good sign. If it went down, then I was miscarrying again.
On the way home from the doctors office the cramping became worse. I was in a lot of pain and didn't have hope anymore. I had been through this before... too many times before. Hadn't I already learned this lesson? I thought we were past this. I thought once my body figured out one pregnancy we wouldn't have any problems...
I went into the bathroom and was extremely saddened to see the huge piece of tissue/blood clot that had come along with the cramping. Another sign pointing toward miscarriage.
I took some pain meds and climbed into bed to try and sleep for a couple hours.
Later that night I passed what I think was the sack we saw in the ultrasound...
I am going for the second blood test tomorrow, but I don't really see any point in it. I guess it will just confirm what I already unfortunately know. Before, I would have tried to talk myself into believing that there is still a possibility, but now I know it is better to accept the reality as soon as possible.
The nurse said they will probably be referring us to another specialist at the University of Utah. We have already seen two specialists for recurrent miscarriages (only about 1% of women experience recurrent miscarriage) before this pregnancy so I am hoping they have some more insight for us. (We also have done a couple different tests, HSG and semen analysis, that never did show any abnormalities.)
I really don't want to keep reliving this! I feel so frustrated with the situation and I am so tired of the extreme let down and emotional roller coaster it all is. I have been pregnant 5 times, FIVE! I am trying to be positive, but statistically the odds are definitely not in our favor. We have less than a 50% chance with future pregnancies being successful. Normal pregnancies are 85-90%. I just don't know how much longer I can do this...
I am so thankful that this time around we have Cohen to ease the pain. It makes me realize how big of a miracle he truly is. He is our greatest blessing!
July 13th
When someone is trying to conceive or is pregnant, the last color they ever want to see is the dark crimson color of blood...
The spotting started out pink.
I tried my best not to worry, but the huge knot deep in my gut made it hard for me to breath. I forced myself to go to sleep anyway, in hopes that the reality of what could be would be lost in my nightmares.
July 14th
I awoke early, before Cohen and knew it wasn't just a nightmare. What was pink the night before was now deep red, but there wasn't very much. It even stopped for a while. I still had hope... I was starting to cramp, but I pushed that out of my mind.
We went in for the ultrasound at noon. Right away we could see a small yolk sack in the center of my uterus.
Hope...
Yet there was no flutter of a tiny heart beating on the screen like I knew there should be, like we saw with our third pregnancy and with our little miracle, Cohen.
The technician said the baby was measuring only 4 weeks. It didn't add up... I should be further along... she said she had seen stranger things.
They sent me down to get a blood test since they couldn't find answers through the ultrasound. They told me to repeat the test in 48 hours to see what the HCG (pregnancy hormone) level was doing. If it kept doubling that would be a good sign. If it went down, then I was miscarrying again.
On the way home from the doctors office the cramping became worse. I was in a lot of pain and didn't have hope anymore. I had been through this before... too many times before. Hadn't I already learned this lesson? I thought we were past this. I thought once my body figured out one pregnancy we wouldn't have any problems...
I went into the bathroom and was extremely saddened to see the huge piece of tissue/blood clot that had come along with the cramping. Another sign pointing toward miscarriage.
I took some pain meds and climbed into bed to try and sleep for a couple hours.
Later that night I passed what I think was the sack we saw in the ultrasound...
I am going for the second blood test tomorrow, but I don't really see any point in it. I guess it will just confirm what I already unfortunately know. Before, I would have tried to talk myself into believing that there is still a possibility, but now I know it is better to accept the reality as soon as possible.
The nurse said they will probably be referring us to another specialist at the University of Utah. We have already seen two specialists for recurrent miscarriages (only about 1% of women experience recurrent miscarriage) before this pregnancy so I am hoping they have some more insight for us. (We also have done a couple different tests, HSG and semen analysis, that never did show any abnormalities.)
I really don't want to keep reliving this! I feel so frustrated with the situation and I am so tired of the extreme let down and emotional roller coaster it all is. I have been pregnant 5 times, FIVE! I am trying to be positive, but statistically the odds are definitely not in our favor. We have less than a 50% chance with future pregnancies being successful. Normal pregnancies are 85-90%. I just don't know how much longer I can do this...
I am so thankful that this time around we have Cohen to ease the pain. It makes me realize how big of a miracle he truly is. He is our greatest blessing!
