I Now Understand...
the pure happiness in hearing the sweet pitter-patter of chubby baby feet all through the house.
the unconditional love of motherhood and the unavoidable guilt that goes along with it.
the complete meaning of "you're driving me INSANE!"
how important it is to truly live in the moment and not in the dream of what you want for the future.
a fraction of what my mom did for me everyday for the past 24+ years.
Joy Is...
finding an unopened can of Dr. Pepper in my honey's truck.
a passionate kiss.
holding hands with Scott and/or Cohen.
having His arms and body wrapped tightly around me, feeling peaceful security.
having my very own baby that I don't have to return to someone.
listening to Cohen's continuous baby babble.
warm summer nights spent talking and cuddling underneath a blanket of stars.
I never want to forget...
the extreme relief of seeing our baby's heart beat on ultrasound and knowing that this time around will be different.
the carefree, exciting and amazing summer Scott and I first shared.
feeling surreal fluttering motions of my baby moving inside me for the first time.
the indescribably incredible experience of bring Cohen into this world and the image in my head of seeing Scott hold our son for the first time.
I wish I had known...
as much as I yearned and ached for this, it would still be the hardest thing I have ever done.
years of trying to conceive and enduring three miscarriages was just the preparation for the lessons ahead, much patients would be needed.
to listen to people when they said, "Just enjoy life right now, it will happen soon enough and everything is different after a baby arrives." Even though I wanted to kick them HARD! in the shin at the time.
I would miss the days of being a newlywed, even though it lasted years and I was eager to move forward with becoming a mommy.
I am thankful I didn't know...
how much sleep I would loose.
how perfectly happy I am the majority of the time because I then would have been even more impatient.
that I would miscarry again even after having Cohen.
how much I miss nursing my baby.
that some lessons may repeat themselves even though you feel like you have learned everything you can from them.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Coming soon...PuMpKiN pIe & hOt ApPlE cIDeR!
The first day of fall...
I welcome you.
Summer green leaves transforming their pigments into firey reds, rusty oranges, sun ray yellows yet all too soon fading out and releasing themselves into heaping piles that beg to be jumped in.
I will miss you Summer Sno. You closed before your time.
I will miss the smell of fresh cut grass and the cloudless endlessly blue sky.
I will miss shadows that give welcoming shade.
I will miss the endless choice and flavors of fresh fruits and veggies.
I will miss our long walks at Bridal Veil Falls.
Fortunately seasons come and go and just when I think I won't be able to handle one more chilly murky day the tulips will be sprouting and I will be prematurely wearing shorts and flip flops welcoming the new coming season, Spring!
I welcome you.Summer green leaves transforming their pigments into firey reds, rusty oranges, sun ray yellows yet all too soon fading out and releasing themselves into heaping piles that beg to be jumped in.
I will miss you Summer Sno. You closed before your time.
I will miss the smell of fresh cut grass and the cloudless endlessly blue sky.
I will miss shadows that give welcoming shade.
I will miss the endless choice and flavors of fresh fruits and veggies.
I will miss our long walks at Bridal Veil Falls.
Fortunately seasons come and go and just when I think I won't be able to handle one more chilly murky day the tulips will be sprouting and I will be prematurely wearing shorts and flip flops welcoming the new coming season, Spring!
Monday, September 22, 2008
Back to blogging...
Over the last few months my blog has become less about the Everyday Details and replaced with random brief overviews of recent events. I hope to start making the time to use this as an outlet again and instead of just thinking about what I want to post and then the thoughts passing me by, taking the opportunity to write them down...
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Girls Night Out! YEAH!
My mom, two sisters and I had a girls night out a couple weeks ago! We haven't gotten together without kids and the guys in so long! We saw Mama Mia which we loved and then went and ate at Chilis. It was so much fun spending time with my mom and sisters!
This is for you TRACY!
A week or so ago Scott and I were taking a drive up Provo canyon on one of our many attempts to get Cohen to take a nap. I was enjoying the plush green leafy beauty when we drove past Canyon Glen park and I noticed a MOOSE standing near the parking lot. Scott turned around the first chance he got knowing his animal loving wife would want to get a picture! (Or a few pictures...) I was pretty far away and I zoomed in as far as I could, but I think you can still see Mr. Moose pretty well! Especially if you click on the photo!!!
Thursday, September 4, 2008
12, 13 and 14 Months Old!
Dear Cohen,
14 months
You love your Daddy and you get SO excited when you spend time together. He loves making you giggle and teaching you new things. He tells me all of the time how much he loves you and how grateful he is that we have you. Almost every night while you sleep he talks about the little things he loves about you and how he misses you. You are a very lucky little boy to have such a great Daddy! I don't think I could have picked a better man to be your father, role model and friend!
The entire summer has basically already passed us by! I went back and read your 11 month blog and I can't believe how much has happened and how much has changed since then!
I weaned you around your first birthday which has been good in a lot of ways, but I really miss that closeness and comfort it gave the both of us. I think it was hard because it was the last physical bond we had before you were completely your own person. It symbolized the transition for me from being my baby to becoming my little boy! It went really smoothly though and you didn't seem to put up too much of a fight although I know you preferred not to end it. (Sorry if this thought grosses you out later!) You had your first hair cut about then and you also had all four of your top teeth coming in at once!
Your first birthday party was a huge bug themed bash where you had tons of fun with your Grandmommy and Papaps while your Daddy and I were busy cooking and entertaining for all 50 friends and family that came to celebrate your life with us! You seemed to have a lot of fun and you loved eating your cake and being sung to!
Shortly after your 1st birthday your Daddy and I found out we were pregnant again. We were really excited, but after a few short weeks of happiness we lost the baby. A flood of emotions came back to me of the hopelessness that I felt before you came, the memory of the hole that ached deeply in my heart before you filled it with warmth and joy. This miscarriage was different than the three before you because I knew first hand of what could have been, but your laughter filled my thoughts and your smile lifted the tears and I was able to find peace in the unknown through spending my time counting my many blessings and thinking about what an incredible miracle you are! I feel so much gratitude to our Heavenly Father for sending you to us when he did. I was at a breaking point and you have brought everything I was looking for with you and more! I have learned so much about myself while raising you. I feel like I have so much to work on to become the mother, friend and example that I want to be for you, but you make me want to try harder each and everyday. I am thankful to be able to be here for you full time and to be able to spend more one on one time with you because I feel like you have so much to teach me (and others) and I can't wait to learn!
Just after you turned 13 months you took your first little baby steps! You have been very cautious and are just now walking across an entire room, but your walking baby! We call you Little Frankenstein because you put both your arms straight out infront of you for balance. It is so cute and you are so proud of yourself!
You also have started talking!!! You have said more words than I can remember! Your first words were dog, tickle-tickle and ball. You called EVERYTHING Dad for months and would babble in long stretches using your own language made up of "Dat! Dadadada Dadoo!" Then came bubble, duck, fish and tooth brush. Some words have been extremely clear and others I made out in baby talk. I can tell you are a very smart boy and you love to answer our questions with yes or no nods and the corresponding word. You know some sign language and I am trying to teach you others. You sign "all done", "milk", "please", "thank you" and "more" which is a nice change from the screams trying to communicate.
You're a screamer! It is just a fact of life... at least our life. Your angry, you scream. Your happy, you scream. You fall, you scream and cry huge alligator tears. You poop, you scream. While you eat, you scream. (With the exception of when you are in a new situation and you are really reserved which is amusing and quite a nice change.) You definitely have a lot of emotion to express! Your Daddy mentioned the other day, after listening to you protest in the car for what seemed like an eternity, about how he wonders what you will do in your life because you sure do have a lot to say!
I am surprised about how much you love to follow me around and pull on my leg. You find almost anything I am doing a complete waste of time (especially cleaning, cooking and showering) and demand that I get down on your level and play. You love to read books and you love your little people village that makes noises when you ring the door bell or turn on the TV. Most of all you love being outside!
Just this last month you have gained a great love for the park! We walk there and back in the morning a couple times a week and while we are there you love to look for airplanes and helicopters in the sky! As soon as you hear their sound you are looking upward pointing and searching. You love to swing and go through the tube and go down the slides! It has been so much fun taking you there all summer.
You are a great eater now and we have finally got you regular! You use to have a really hard time going potty (for months actually) and it was horrible for the both of us, but your little body seemed to have figured it out better. You love fruits and veggies of all kinds and you drink your sippy constantly, but you still aren't too interested in meats (including chicken) and juices.
I weaned you around your first birthday which has been good in a lot of ways, but I really miss that closeness and comfort it gave the both of us. I think it was hard because it was the last physical bond we had before you were completely your own person. It symbolized the transition for me from being my baby to becoming my little boy! It went really smoothly though and you didn't seem to put up too much of a fight although I know you preferred not to end it. (Sorry if this thought grosses you out later!) You had your first hair cut about then and you also had all four of your top teeth coming in at once!Your first birthday party was a huge bug themed bash where you had tons of fun with your Grandmommy and Papaps while your Daddy and I were busy cooking and entertaining for all 50 friends and family that came to celebrate your life with us! You seemed to have a lot of fun and you loved eating your cake and being sung to!
Shortly after your 1st birthday your Daddy and I found out we were pregnant again. We were really excited, but after a few short weeks of happiness we lost the baby. A flood of emotions came back to me of the hopelessness that I felt before you came, the memory of the hole that ached deeply in my heart before you filled it with warmth and joy. This miscarriage was different than the three before you because I knew first hand of what could have been, but your laughter filled my thoughts and your smile lifted the tears and I was able to find peace in the unknown through spending my time counting my many blessings and thinking about what an incredible miracle you are! I feel so much gratitude to our Heavenly Father for sending you to us when he did. I was at a breaking point and you have brought everything I was looking for with you and more! I have learned so much about myself while raising you. I feel like I have so much to work on to become the mother, friend and example that I want to be for you, but you make me want to try harder each and everyday. I am thankful to be able to be here for you full time and to be able to spend more one on one time with you because I feel like you have so much to teach me (and others) and I can't wait to learn!
Just after you turned 13 months you took your first little baby steps! You have been very cautious and are just now walking across an entire room, but your walking baby! We call you Little Frankenstein because you put both your arms straight out infront of you for balance. It is so cute and you are so proud of yourself!You also have started talking!!! You have said more words than I can remember! Your first words were dog, tickle-tickle and ball. You called EVERYTHING Dad for months and would babble in long stretches using your own language made up of "Dat! Dadadada Dadoo!" Then came bubble, duck, fish and tooth brush. Some words have been extremely clear and others I made out in baby talk. I can tell you are a very smart boy and you love to answer our questions with yes or no nods and the corresponding word. You know some sign language and I am trying to teach you others. You sign "all done", "milk", "please", "thank you" and "more" which is a nice change from the screams trying to communicate.
You're a screamer! It is just a fact of life... at least our life. Your angry, you scream. Your happy, you scream. You fall, you scream and cry huge alligator tears. You poop, you scream. While you eat, you scream. (With the exception of when you are in a new situation and you are really reserved which is amusing and quite a nice change.) You definitely have a lot of emotion to express! Your Daddy mentioned the other day, after listening to you protest in the car for what seemed like an eternity, about how he wonders what you will do in your life because you sure do have a lot to say!
I am surprised about how much you love to follow me around and pull on my leg. You find almost anything I am doing a complete waste of time (especially cleaning, cooking and showering) and demand that I get down on your level and play. You love to read books and you love your little people village that makes noises when you ring the door bell or turn on the TV. Most of all you love being outside!
Just this last month you have gained a great love for the park! We walk there and back in the morning a couple times a week and while we are there you love to look for airplanes and helicopters in the sky! As soon as you hear their sound you are looking upward pointing and searching. You love to swing and go through the tube and go down the slides! It has been so much fun taking you there all summer.
You are a great eater now and we have finally got you regular! You use to have a really hard time going potty (for months actually) and it was horrible for the both of us, but your little body seemed to have figured it out better. You love fruits and veggies of all kinds and you drink your sippy constantly, but you still aren't too interested in meats (including chicken) and juices.12 months
14 months
You love your Daddy and you get SO excited when you spend time together. He loves making you giggle and teaching you new things. He tells me all of the time how much he loves you and how grateful he is that we have you. Almost every night while you sleep he talks about the little things he loves about you and how he misses you. You are a very lucky little boy to have such a great Daddy! I don't think I could have picked a better man to be your father, role model and friend! You love to give hugs and kisses and you pucker up your sweet little lippys and make an "ooh" sound when you want to give us a kiss. A couple of times you have given me a kiss while your Daddy was gone and then you leaned toward the door with puckered lips waiting for your Daddy to come to kiss you too!
You are sleeping pretty well going down around 9pm and waking around 7 am. Depending on how early you wake up you then take one or two naps. Your nap(s) lately has been only about an hour on average which just isn't long enough, but we make it work...
You are sleeping pretty well going down around 9pm and waking around 7 am. Depending on how early you wake up you then take one or two naps. Your nap(s) lately has been only about an hour on average which just isn't long enough, but we make it work...You have been having fun with all your cousins! We recently went to Kya's 2nd birthday party and they put a princess tiara on your head and you seemed to think it was really fun to wear! It's hard not to get confused when you are hanging around four girls all the time! I try to get you around Kaden and Cameron as much as I can so they can show you their firetrucks and karate kicks! But I don't think there is anything wrong with liking baby dolls and pink tiaras, everything in moderation. :)
Besides the miscarriages we have endured I feel very grateful that we have all been fortunate to have great physical, mental and emotional health. Several people in our family have struggled with addictions and depression like I have told you about in earlier letters. I have had a really hard time these last couple months (and years for that matter) with my dad specifically because along with being a recovering alcoholic he has had drug addictions that have substituted for the alcohol. These are heavy subjects to talk about to my now 14 month old baby, but I know one day you will read these and it may be around the time you are faced with decisions that could be life changing. Like I said before, I want these letters to mean something and to say even more than an update on your important milestones. Your grandpa hasn't really been an active part of your life because of parts of his life that have taken over everything else that should be most important. It has made me so sad that he hasn't gotten to know your sweet personality and to see you go from a infant that learned to roll over and crawl to a toddler that is taking off into the world on his own two feet. I hope and pray his illness doesn't prevent him from one day spending time with you and even having a great relationship with you. I want you to have wonderful memories of what an incredible man he is when the disease isn't overpowering him.
He just moved back to Colorado to live with his parents, your great-grandparents, because he no longer has a job, no longer has a home and no longer is healthy enough to be on his own.
I think longingly of a world where drugs and alcohol, among other things, can't tear families apart and wear people down to the core of their sole until there is nothing left but the fix they seek.
It is so scary to bring a perfect and innocent newborn into this world where there is so much pain and sorrow, but there is also so much joy beyond anything imaginable until you experience it. When I look into your deep ocean blue eyes I can't help but to think of the future and what it may hold for you. I hope your life is lived to its fullest and you can experience each and everyday with passion and excitement. I hope your Daddy and I can be everything to you that you need and want. I hope for a much better world than what is being created because you definitely deserve the sun, the moon and the stars.
Love,
Mama
Besides the miscarriages we have endured I feel very grateful that we have all been fortunate to have great physical, mental and emotional health. Several people in our family have struggled with addictions and depression like I have told you about in earlier letters. I have had a really hard time these last couple months (and years for that matter) with my dad specifically because along with being a recovering alcoholic he has had drug addictions that have substituted for the alcohol. These are heavy subjects to talk about to my now 14 month old baby, but I know one day you will read these and it may be around the time you are faced with decisions that could be life changing. Like I said before, I want these letters to mean something and to say even more than an update on your important milestones. Your grandpa hasn't really been an active part of your life because of parts of his life that have taken over everything else that should be most important. It has made me so sad that he hasn't gotten to know your sweet personality and to see you go from a infant that learned to roll over and crawl to a toddler that is taking off into the world on his own two feet. I hope and pray his illness doesn't prevent him from one day spending time with you and even having a great relationship with you. I want you to have wonderful memories of what an incredible man he is when the disease isn't overpowering him.He just moved back to Colorado to live with his parents, your great-grandparents, because he no longer has a job, no longer has a home and no longer is healthy enough to be on his own.
I think longingly of a world where drugs and alcohol, among other things, can't tear families apart and wear people down to the core of their sole until there is nothing left but the fix they seek.
It is so scary to bring a perfect and innocent newborn into this world where there is so much pain and sorrow, but there is also so much joy beyond anything imaginable until you experience it. When I look into your deep ocean blue eyes I can't help but to think of the future and what it may hold for you. I hope your life is lived to its fullest and you can experience each and everyday with passion and excitement. I hope your Daddy and I can be everything to you that you need and want. I hope for a much better world than what is being created because you definitely deserve the sun, the moon and the stars.
Love,
Mama
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Updated! Finally!
I am not generally this lazy about updating our blog! I am so far behind! I have a 12, 13 and 14 month newsletter to write for Cohen that has been haunting me each month that passes. Hopefully I will get to that soon, but for now I wanted to give a "brief" (or I guess my version of brief) update on our current doctors appointment.
We met with my doctor a couple weeks ago and he still didn't have much insight for us. We discussed a theory I had and a couple other questions, but when it came down to it he felt that we have done everything we can, but he said he would double check with the specialist he knows about our specific situation. I was at peace with not doing any further testing because in most cases even if we figured it out, which would be unlikely, we wouldn't be able to do anything about it. When I talked to his nurse a couple weeks later she gave me some information to refer us to the specialist he spoke with. My doctor was out of the office so I am unsure why he thinks it will be worth our time and money to go see this specialist when he had said differently before. So I called and made an appointment for now with the specialist, who is in Centerville, and my appointment is at the end of October. That will give me time to talk to my doctor about the specifics when he is back in the office and to figure out if this is the path I want to go. It almost feels like opening a can of worms because I highly doubt anything will be figured out and I don't know if I want to put myself through more testing, hoping, the unknown, etc. I am leaning towards canceling the appointment, moving forward, keep trying and hope for the best. Thanks so much to everyone who commented, for your thoughts, prayers and support! It means the world to us and it REALLY helps!!! We love you!
Another reason I have been lazy about my blog updating is because I have been engrossed in the fourth book of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series, Breaking Dawn (who hasn't been reading it?)! I had a hard time putting it down! I made the 750+ page book drag on as long as possible, but I still finished it within one week. I was trying to be disciplined about it and clean and take care of Cohen and Scott BEFORE picking up the book each day so some days I only got to read a chapter. Anyway, I really loved it and I want MORE! I hate how the last page says THE END! :)
A couple weeks ago we took Cohen on his first camping trip up to Provo Canyon! We had so much fun and Cohen did a lot better than we thought he would! Here is our awesome camping sight. (Cohen looks so small!)
You give this kid a stick and some dirt and he plays longer than he does with any toy money can buy!
We made delicious tin foil dinners and dutch over peach cobbler with raspberries and ice cream! Oh, YUMMY!!! This is why I love camping... I didn't get a picture of the dinners because I ate it before I could think about anything else. (My mom, my step dad Kay and my nephew Kaden came up for dinner and hung out with us for a couple hours as well. It was so fun having them hang out with us for a while!)
Hanging around the fire roasting marshmallows!
It was freezing the next morning so we bundled up Cohen with many layers! Look at those CHEEKS! Squeeze!
Scott did one of the many things he does best and made a killer breakfast! Pancakes, eggs, bacon and fruit.
I love camping and we hope to go again before it is too cold! It seems like fall is already sneaking up!!!
We met with my doctor a couple weeks ago and he still didn't have much insight for us. We discussed a theory I had and a couple other questions, but when it came down to it he felt that we have done everything we can, but he said he would double check with the specialist he knows about our specific situation. I was at peace with not doing any further testing because in most cases even if we figured it out, which would be unlikely, we wouldn't be able to do anything about it. When I talked to his nurse a couple weeks later she gave me some information to refer us to the specialist he spoke with. My doctor was out of the office so I am unsure why he thinks it will be worth our time and money to go see this specialist when he had said differently before. So I called and made an appointment for now with the specialist, who is in Centerville, and my appointment is at the end of October. That will give me time to talk to my doctor about the specifics when he is back in the office and to figure out if this is the path I want to go. It almost feels like opening a can of worms because I highly doubt anything will be figured out and I don't know if I want to put myself through more testing, hoping, the unknown, etc. I am leaning towards canceling the appointment, moving forward, keep trying and hope for the best. Thanks so much to everyone who commented, for your thoughts, prayers and support! It means the world to us and it REALLY helps!!! We love you!
Another reason I have been lazy about my blog updating is because I have been engrossed in the fourth book of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series, Breaking Dawn (who hasn't been reading it?)! I had a hard time putting it down! I made the 750+ page book drag on as long as possible, but I still finished it within one week. I was trying to be disciplined about it and clean and take care of Cohen and Scott BEFORE picking up the book each day so some days I only got to read a chapter. Anyway, I really loved it and I want MORE! I hate how the last page says THE END! :)
A couple weeks ago we took Cohen on his first camping trip up to Provo Canyon! We had so much fun and Cohen did a lot better than we thought he would! Here is our awesome camping sight. (Cohen looks so small!)
You give this kid a stick and some dirt and he plays longer than he does with any toy money can buy!
We made delicious tin foil dinners and dutch over peach cobbler with raspberries and ice cream! Oh, YUMMY!!! This is why I love camping... I didn't get a picture of the dinners because I ate it before I could think about anything else. (My mom, my step dad Kay and my nephew Kaden came up for dinner and hung out with us for a couple hours as well. It was so fun having them hang out with us for a while!)
Hanging around the fire roasting marshmallows!
It was freezing the next morning so we bundled up Cohen with many layers! Look at those CHEEKS! Squeeze!
Scott did one of the many things he does best and made a killer breakfast! Pancakes, eggs, bacon and fruit.
I love camping and we hope to go again before it is too cold! It seems like fall is already sneaking up!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
